Escape the love revenge cycle

By Lauren Cumming

Who hasn’t brought up something their partner did in the past (possibly even, like, five years back) to justify their own bad behaviour? Events from ancient history are often dredged up during spats – it’s the classic “attack is the best form of defence” mechanism. “Keeping a ‘relationship receipt’ of past hurts you’ve caused each other is common but terribly negative,” says Andrew G. Marshall, author of I Love You but I’m Not in Love with You. “Learn to leave your past behind and your relationship will improve immeasurably.” Here’s how it’s done…

He had a wild night with the boys
He told you it wouldn’t be a late one, and then he rocked in at 3am reeking like a brewery. So, in retaliation, you say you’re going to a movie, and go on a bit of a late-night bender yourself.
The escape: “Instead of getting your own back, identify the behaviour you find unacceptable and try to find a compromise,” says Marshall. “Create a mental rubbish bin and visualise putting that issue into it. Next time one of you tries to bring up the other’s poor form, remind each other about the ‘bin’.”

You noticed his T-shirt was getting tight – so you told him
And he responded by making a snide remark about the size of your thighs, finishing up with the ever-so-eloquent, “You can dish it but you can’t take it”.
The escape: “If he asked your opinion and you told him the truth, it shows a degree of openness, which is a wonderful thing to have,” says Marshall. “But if he’s prickly, next time decide whether it’s important enough to warrant brutal honesty or whether a white lie would be better.” The fact is, no one really wants to be told they’re putting on weight. Ever.

He left wet towels on the bed
Again. After you warned him repeatedly. So you “forget” to be at home when his mum visits.
The escape: Don’t let little things build up until you reach boiling point. “If your partner does something you don’t like, remember – the problem is the behaviour, not the person,” says Marshall. “Don’t just tell him what it is that upset you – explain why. The key is to talk about your feelings instead of making a direct attack on your character.” Or getting revenge with an immature stunt.

You cheated on him once, and he can’t get over it
This is an instance where you have to be patient. “If you’ve betrayed your boyfriend’s trust, you need to give him reassurance that it won’t happen again,” says Marshall. “But if he interrogates you every time you leave the house, you’ll get defensive and he’ll feel more insecure; it becomes a vicious cycle.
The escape: Get him to speak up when he feels the unhappy memories returning. Knowing exactly what makes him insecure will put things back on track.