Fill your confidence gap

How to face any situation successfully

We all have a confidence gap. Even the most career-savvy girl can feel nervous around men, and sometimes major party animals are wary of new situations. But it is possible to fill those confidence holes just by using your imagination. “In situations where you are comfortable, you expect good results so you usually get them,” says Sarah Litvinoff, author of The Confidence Plan. So the trick is to recognise the areas where you are brimming with confidence and use them to boost the parts that are lacking. Here’s how it’s done...

The gap
Meeting strangers
You’re perfectly comfortable with friends and colleagues alike. But when faced with a room full or new people, your confidence heads for the door.

Fill it
Be ordinary
When you’re out with friends, you don’t spend the whole night trying to be ‘interesting’, do you? Apply the same relaxed confidence to dealing with strangers and you’ll shine without trying. “The first step is to seek out someone else who’s shy and work the room together,” advises Sarah. Keep the conversation simple. “Stick to ice breakers that require more than a yes or no answer, but the more ordinary the better, like ‘How’s your day been so far?’” Your laidback approach will quickly put you all at ease.

The gap
Public speaking
You’re Miss Mouthy in the pub but given a PowerPoint presentation and a podium, you’re quieter than a party at Jennifer Aniston’s house.

Fill it
Be genuine
The setting has changed and the audience is sober, but don’t let a meeting room fill you with nerves. Rather than using formal language, try to import as much of the ease and assurance of the pub as is appropriate to your workplace. Keep language clean and familiar and – if you can – be funny, so the audience warms to you. The less you feel like fraud, the better you will be a tapping into your confidence reservoirs. “Imagine them happily listening to you and willing you on, and usually they will be,” explains Sarah.

The gap
Expressing your feelings
You’re absolutely gorgeous and have no problem attracting men. But once you’re in a relationship, you struggle to ask for what you really want.

Fill it
Be playful
When the stakes get higher, we often lose our nerve. On first dates we can be direct and it’s seen as charming and provocative. But after time we worry it becomes nagging. Try to recall that challenging, playful sense of enquiry you first had with your partner and try to conjure up that early confidence now. “If you fear he’s not going to like what you say, your tone will be defensive and angry,” says Sarah. “Instead, see him as open and approachable and you’ll be able to deliver your request lightly and warmly.”

The gap
Negotiating with the boss
You know you’re good, but you walk into an office with rejection in your body language and a nervous face.

Fill it
Recall praise
Whether it’s a job interview, pay rise or promotion you’re after, try imagining how confidently a friend would describe your talents if she was there. Read out emails sent by appreciative clients and repeat positive feedback from superiors, too. “Back up your request with written notes of your achievements,” says Sarah. “Having them to refer to will boost your confidence and you can hand them to your manager afterwards, too.” Appreciation is contagious, and bosses aren’t immune!