Drama Queen (Week 42)

9:40AM, Jun 23, 2010

Food for thought: The one who moves mountains starts by carrying small stones.

Ever since my partner started his own business, we have been arguing a lot. The conflict is mainly about the fact we don't spend much time together right now. He works every evening and is either too tired at weekends to do anything together, or he is working. I sit at home with nothing much to do, and get increasingly irritated. Occasionally when we do go out, we get along so much better. What can I do to sort this out. We do love each other, but it's not  looking good the way things are.

It appears that you and your partner have very different priorities at present. He is focussed on getting his business up and running. Perhaps he has stepped out of his comfort zone to achieve his dreams. What you express about your own frustrations is that your life has little to challenge you at present. You can either sit there and be unhappy, or get up and do something about your current situation. Write a list of options that could be helpful: everything from leaving this man, to getting your own passions into reality, with all options in between.  For example you could go to courses on the evenings he is away and enjoy life. Shift your thinking to looking at what could be the advantages of you having so much time on your hands.  It is amazing how attentive a partner can become when we find fun somewhere else. 

I love a man who has a problem. He is heavily into drugs and has been to rehab to try and get straight. I plead with him to stop, and I've paid for all sorts of treatments to try and win this battle. Recently he had a legal issue, and it cost me a fortune to keep him out of prison. It's just so hard never knowing if he'll survive let alone get over it. How can I help him stop this insanity?

Stop! Stop trying to help him. That may sound rather shocking. Your intentions and support are obviously fuelled by love, yet this can have an ineffective result.  There is a very subtle yet powerful resistant energy at work here. People with addictions need to find their own solutions. While they keep their loved ones as unwilling hostages to their behaviour, there is little incentive to shift their choices. Perhaps going to prison could have been the wake up call, the reality check, he needed. Let go of his choice to use. Show indifference, and let him know he is on his own. It's when the user finds they have no-one to support them and rescue them anymore that they learn to stand on their own two feet, and start to take more responsibility for their choices. At what cost emotionally and financially has all this been to you? When you take better care of your self, it often has the same effect on your loved one.

Got a question for our resident Drama Queen, Gerda Foster? Email us by clicking here.


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