Got drama?

2:40PM, Jun 16, 2010

Food for thought: Now is the time to have the time of your life.

I have this obsession. I think of sex constantly. I’m often on the internet, read magazines, frequent sex shops and I find myself having sex with all kinds of men when ever the opportunity arises. Sometimes I wake up in the mornings and feel totally alone and really disgusted with myself. I don’t have any real friends, and try and keep away from male colleagues at work, as I have had to leave other good jobs because of my inability to keep my hands to myself. I don’t have much contact with my family as I seduced one of my bothers–in-law. Sometimes I feel trapped in this world. How do I stop this?

How many ways do we humans find to distract and comfort ourselves? Depending on something outside of ourselves to feel fulfilled, be it the usual suspects of drugs, alcohol, workaholism, over-spending, gambling, over-exercising etc. And in your case, sex. These activities done to excess, lead to what you are describing, frustration, emptiness, with a dose of self-loathing. All these activities take up heaps of time and energy and often are a financial drain. Yet so many of us keep doing these things. A fleeting moment or two of peace, and we sigh with relief. Yet there are other ways to find a more meaningful sense of joy and bliss - and you’ll respect yourself in the morning.

There is no secret formula. It is for you to find what floats your boat. You are the only expert on you. Your particular issue involves repeatedly thinking of matters sexual. It's time to turn your mind onto manual drive. A good start is to list all the things in your life you are grateful for. Use the tried and true method of keeping a thick rubber band on one wrist, and pull it quite hard every time your thoughts go back to your particular obsession. Learn to observe your thoughts. Being aware of your thoughts is the best indicator you are on your way to changing your life. You cannot prevent a thought coming into your mind, yet you can change the thought that follows it. Taking responsibility for your healing work is the first challenge. The second is finding a therapeutic alliance that suits you. A practitioner in a self-healing modality is one suggestion and there is plenty of support online e.g: (Sexaholics Australian branch) You have asked for support. It is the beginning of a new way of living. Change your thoughts onto what you want more of in your life, and your life will change.

When a man shows interest in me, I immediately move to the worst case scenario in which I expect to be rejected and it seems to happen just as I predict. I’d love to have a loving relationship, but somehow it never gets to that phase with anyone. I have done lots of reading on relationships and I think it all stems back to my father. Ever since I can remember, he has favoured my brother. As a child I was a good swimmer and I’d always ask my father to come and watch me. He always made excuses, and it hurt, as I knew he always turned up to see my brother play football. Maybe I swam faster because I was so angry. I felt I was not good enough, that he didn’t care. It is still going on now, as he hasn’t shown much interest in my quite substantial career, so I rarely go home, and I find I get really annoyed if I see favouritism in the work place or anywhere really. I know I need to move on as I feel I’ll end up alone and bitter. What can I do?

One of the most confronting truths we face as responsible adults is that we cannot change the past no matter how much it hurts. Yes, we need to face the past, to heal it, yet going over it repeatedly only scratches off the scab from the injury. We mostly do this subconsciously. When we receive a skin wound, the skin heals with an even thicker layer of skin (scar) to protect from further injury. That’s how we can move on from the past, to grow stronger from the experience. Ask your self "why am I magnifying this by holding onto it?" "Was my fathers behaviour really intentional or just his own family programming?"

The main point to remember is to celebrate your own identity and self worth. Look back at your dedication and achievements. This is by your own efforts. Acknowledgement from others, like your father, is secondary. You pat yourself on the back! Celebrate your victories by writing them all down, from your childhood onward, and feel that you deserve to love and be loved in the NOW. Perhaps that competitive edge you had with your brother has actually be a blessing in disguise in your achievements…Now turn that glow onto your own willingness to let go of the past and be happy. Be a half glass full kind of woman.

Do you have a question for our resident drama queen, Gerda Foster? Click here


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