63 things I wrote down while watching Fifty Shades of Grey

10:34AM, Feb 12, 2015
Emily Kerr
Like live tweeting, but on paper. #oldschool

1) FFS, no phones at the screening (!!!!!!)

2) Her roommate is right, that is one fugly shirt.

3) Surely you can get some sort of infection from biting your lip that much. Ridiculous.

4) He’s got a weird Irish twang to his American accent. Funny that.

5) So much uncomfortable staring. It’s like an episode of The Hills. But with shitloads of sex. A Hills porno. Mmmmmm, Justin Bobby.

6) OK, she's interviewing him. These are THE WORST questions. He now wants to know more about her... WHY??!!! IT'S GOING TERRIBLY. I want to know less about her.

7) I’ve had better conversations with my bedroom wall.

8) Ana and her mum are pretty much the same age. A fairly major oversight in casting there.

9) Pretty sure masking tape is white. That’s just yellow and black tape.

10) God he’s hot.

11) I hope this pen works. I can’t see a fucking thing I’m writing.

12) Christian just pulled Ana out of the way of a loud bicycle bell with an invisible bike attached to it, promptly tells her he’s “not the man for her.” Urrrrm, YEAH, you’ve literally just met. Cool your jets.

13) The bars she goes to play Black Eyed Peas. Tragic.

14) She drunk calls him, abruptly tells him she “has to pee right now.” OH GOD JUST STOP TALKING.

15) She’s drunk so he’s rushing over to pick her up. Who is he, her dad? #DILF

16) She’s funnier when she’s drunk. She should do that more.

17) CHRISTIAN’S BROTHER <3

18) God Christian's hot.

19) Who’s that hot after a long sweaty run?

20) He’s feeding her toast. Mmmmmmm, toast.

21) HIS SHIRT IS OFF.

22) HE’S EATING HER TOAST.

23) MMMMMMM, TOAST.

24) “If you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week.” – OH HE DID NOT JUST GO THERE.

25) “I don’t do romance.” – Yeah, got that from the above, cheers mate.

26) This is escalating quickly.

27) CHRISTIAN’S CHAUFFER <3

28) I’d let him chauffer me around. Aaaalllll night long.

29) “What? A helicopter? Big woop.” – is essentially how Ana just reacted to being picked up by a chopper. It might as well have been a Nissan Pulsar. Zero fucks given.

30) Cringe.

31) MORE CRINGE.

32) Is it possible to die from cringe??????

33) FUCK FUCK FUCK – THE PLAYROOOOOOOOOOM

34) WTF is a flaunder? (May have misheard this. Google later).

35) Why isn’t she running?

36) The woman behind me is pissing herself laughing. Lolz.

37) Why is she wearing brown jeans?

38) Christian went shopping for her. Did he really pick brown jeans?

39) The whole cinema is now laughing. (Not at the brown jeans).

40) GRANNY PANTS AHOY. Anastasia is my underwear spirit animal.

41) The woman behind me has been laughing for a solid 20 minutes now.

42) Close the curtains FFS!

43) NIPPLE ALERT!

44) FANNY HAIR!

45) There is literally nothing about this story that makes sense.

46) Hi, Rita Ora!

47) (Two words later) Bye, Rita Ora!

48) Christian got statutory raped. This is played down a worrying amount.

49) How the fuck did he get into her apartment?! And why doesn’t she care about this?!

50) FULL BUSH ALERT!

51) Christ he’s hot.

52) WTF is a burlap sack?

53) I'm no lawyer, but I'm pretty sure you can’t just sell somebody else’s car without their say so?

54) “Oooooooo, nothing gets me in the mood for some kinky sadomasochism like having my hair braided.” – SAID NOBODY EVER.

55) Do they even still make flip phones? I miss my flip phone.

56) Christian is a legit psycho.

57) Ana’s voice is always completely monotonous. It’s blowing my mind. She’s like April Ludgate from Parks and Rec. But not funny.

58) He is stroking her nips with what appears to be the head of a mop.

59) This is GRAPHIC.

60) HOLY JESUS FUCK BALLS.

61) That is messed up.

62) GO HOME, YOU DICK!  GET OUT OF THERE!

63) Oh I give up.

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