There's no perfect way to navigate a break up. Sure, it's nice to think people get better at such things with time and practice, but guess what? That's not how it works! No matter how many break ups you've gone through, there are certain mistakes you're bound to make. The least we can do is laugh about them.
1. Impulsively buy the sheerest and most tiny dress you can find, then immediately realize you can't actually figure out how to put it on your body. There are approximately 75 straps on this and none of them seem to be for arms? Ok YES this is a good and sexy look.
2. Go all out and get that ~daring~ haircut you've just always wanted. Emotional hair appointment booking is a real thing and it is dangerous.
3. Rearrange your furniture in a way you think will really improve your feng shui but actually just makes your room look like a cluttered maze. It's good to ~freshen things up~, but my god, the bed doesn't belong directly in front of the door.
4. Make out with a man who has a goatee. This is why bars need to be brightly lit.
5. Commit to every single social activity your friends mention and also all the events Facebook suggests. Will you know a single person at the niche theme party the bar down the street is hosting? No! But that's the point, right? Meeting people? Getting so good at small talk that you lose the capacity for real conversation? Ha ha.
6. Extremely commit to an expensive new hobby. It's one thing to sign up for a single cooking class, but you decided to really Martha Stewart it up and bought a set of six classes and a new set of chef's knives. These will look great collecting dust in approximately one month when you realise cooking is dumb when delivery services abound.
7. Get drunk and shamelessly flirt with the friendly man bartender you see every weekend at your go-to bar. Dammit, this bartender-patron relationship was going along beautifully (free drinks! a buddy!) until you just had to go and cross the line. How will you ever find a new regular spot?
8. Buy a pair of heels that will destroy your feet the single time you wear them. These shoes were $20 for a reason, and the reason is that they're actually torture devices. Whatever, high heels are a social construct anyway. Through these in the trash.
9. Sign up for an expensive exercise class package, go maybe twice, feel guilty until the package expires. Don't commit to 12 classes of acro-spin-yoga-lates until you've given it a test run.
10. Book a plane ticket that's surprisingly affordable, forget you have to pay for a hotel once you get there. What??! Round trip flights to Paris are only $400?!? They're basically free! You can definitely afford this. Sleep on the sidewalk. It'll be romantic.
11. Force yourself to go out to dinner alone way before you're mentally prepared for it. All your friends have been badgering you to be more independent, and you thought this would show them, didn't you? Don't worry. If you face the wall at the restaurant, no one will see you softly crying into your gnocchi.
12. Download not one, but four dating apps. So you thought mindlessly swiping through a tableau of dudes while on the toilet would prove there are other fish in the sea, didn't ya? Ha, yes. There are other fish, but they're all somehow named Trey, wear the same exact v-neck shirt, and are "just in town for a few days.
13. In an urge to get into meditation, subscribe to a wildly expensive mindfulness app. What? Deep breathing doesn't come free, ok?
14. Order three bodysuits in each color from American Apparel, because it's GOING OUT OF BUSINESS AND OH MY GOD YOU NEED THEM. You're a single lady fresh on the market, and how the fuck are you supposed to go causing for dudes if you aren't wearing a halter top body suit that makes your shoulders look amazing? This is a rational purchase. It's fine.
15. Start a new journal with "well, we broke up." You'll keep this journal for maybe two, three weeks, and then it'll get tossed under your bed the moment you meet someone new who's so much better than your ex.
Via: Cosmopolitan US