Raised and confused

When parenting styles collide

Bringing up a baby can be tough at the best of times, but how do you cope when everyone else wants a say in your child’s upbringing too?

You and your partner have probably talked about the future a few times by now – such as how many kids you want and how you’d ideally like to raise them – so it’s fair to say you’ve got your eyes wide open to the fact that you’ll sometimes disagree. What you might not know (but are likely to be getting a taste of already), is that becoming a mother can raise very strong emotions, none so much as the need to protect your babies and give them the very best you have to offer – as you see it. These feelings can easily lead to relationship meltdown if you don’t learn the gentle art of negotiation, and Daddy might not be your only adversary.

Meet the members of Team Baby

You may not have realised that your cosy cocoon for three would actually require space for a much larger crew – your newest addition’s “significant others” are likely to include people like grandparents, aunties and even uncles. These SOs are the same people who may have whisked a piece of cheese from between your lips when you were pregnant, with vague mutterings of listeriosis and “think of the baby”. So now that baby’s born, they expect to be part of the action and possibly have a say in the way you’ll be doing business from now on.

There is no shortage of new mums who freak out the first time they realise their bundle of joy is not theirs alone, and that other people feel a very real “stake” or claim to their baby. It can be pretty scary the first time you come to the conclusion that you’re not going
to be able to completely steer the course of your little one’s early years alone. It’s a shock to realise people are going to do things differently to you and there is nothing you can (or should) realistically do about it. 

Anne Hollonds, chief executive officer of Relationships Australia, can sympathise. “This is a really common feeling for new parents. Babies bring so many new, intense and unfamiliar feelings, so just try to remember that your family and friends want the same thing as you – the best for your new family member.”

We’re experiencing some interference ...

There’s a bunch of common topics that bring out the stubborn heel-digger in most of us, one of which kicks in the first time you announce that you’re expecting a baby. There wouldn’t be a pregnant women alive who hasn’t experienced the “communal body” syndrome – you know, plenty of great advice and unsolicited comments about what you’re eating, how often you’re exercising, the hours you’re working, and the list goes on. How you treat your own body while you’re pregnant and how your significant others (think partner, in-laws and your immediate family) think you should, certainly has the ability to crank up World War Three if you allow it to. Issues such as when you’re thinking of finishing up at work, how long you plan to stay home with the baby, and what kind of care you’re hoping to use when and if you do return to work are all dangerous topics when it comes to loved ones who are prone to interfering.

“My mum stayed home with me until I started school, and she just assumed I was going to do the same,” says Rachel, 28. “When I said I was going to go back after 12 months, she erupted and made me feel guilty at every opportunity. It got to the point where I didn’t want to see her anymore, and we missed out on sharing many special pregnancy moments because I just didn’t need the drama.”

Learning to compromise

“When a SO is crossing the line, and it’s having a negative impact on your relationship, you really need to be firm but fair,” advises Hollonds. “Think carefully about what it is you have an issue with and put a positive spin on it. Try something like, ‘Mum, I love that you are so concerned about me, but I need you to support the decisions I make’.”

Another tip is to see any negatives from the perspective of your child: how is it going to affect them? “Perhaps it’s causing friction or confusion that will upset the baby or the relationship,” says Hollonds.  Whether it’s birth plans, breast-feeding, or bathing techniques, if it’s of core value to you or your partner, you need to stick to your guns, but in a positive and thoughtful way.

It’s not about there being a right or wrong way to raise a baby (including in utero), it’s about understanding what really matters to you as a couple and what’s not worth worrying about. This is also the case with any issues that arise between you and your partner – only the stuff that you feel really strongly about deserves attention, and even then, be calm and matter of fact rather than emotional.

Lisa, 32, and Michael, 34, were pretty much on the same page except for one glaring difference. “I really wanted to encourage Ella to self settle at night,” says Lisa. “During the day I would pop her down just as she got tired, and she’d nod off pretty quickly and didn’t tend to cry for more than a minute.”
Michael, on the other hand, thought this was a mean tactic, and having been away all day, hadn’t witnessed its true benefits.

“He would come home and get her all excited and overtired, and then he would insist she be rocked off to sleep. If she so much as whimpered while he was still awake, he’d be straight in there picking her up,” says Lisa. She decided this issue was important to her, and laid down the law. “I explained that we had a routine going and, as the one who had to stay up with her or hold her all day if she couldn’t settle, I felt it was important he at least try it my way. Michael explained that it made him feel guilty to hear her cry, so we compromised – if my way wasn’t working out after a fortnight, we’d re-open the topic.” Luckily, Ella got the hang of it pretty quickly and the issue was resolved.

Different strokes

Another point worth keeping in mind is that if something is bothering you, bringing it up straightaway instead of letting it stew will prevent things getting out of hand. Lisa and her mother-in-law, Jane, got along fine until Jane moved from interstate to live nearby.

“All of a sudden, I went from having a mother-in-law who I saw every six months to someone who was knocking on my door every five minutes,” says Lisa. “So many times she would burst in just as Ella was going off to sleep, but Jane didn’t seem to understand that calling first would be nice. She also seemed to think it was OK to wake up Ella, no matter how much time I’d spent getting her to sleep.”

Finally, Lisa got angry and lashed out. “I told her it was really selfish assuming I had nothing better to do than entertain her all day. I also said it was rude of her to wake Ella just for her own entertainment.” This, of course, led to very strained relations, which Michael had to break by going over and talking to his mum. “Jane said she had no idea I didn’t like people just dropping in and had thought I might need some company, which was why she always came by unannounced. If I’d just been upfront in the beginning and asked her to call, the fight never would have happened.”

Hollonds agrees. “People have different ways of doing things, so if you’re not happy, speaking up early is best,” she says. “The other person may have no idea they’re annoying you, and if you haven’t said anything, they’ll go on assuming everything is fine. A small issue like people dropping in unannounced is unlikely to start a riot if it’s brought up calmly; just explain that it’s not how you like to do things, and that it upsets the baby’s routine. And in Lisa’s case, explaining that getting the baby to sleep is a difficult job so and it’s frustrating when others wake them, should resolve things perfectly.” Finally, Hollonds adds that if you really don’t feel comfortable talking to your in-laws about issues, ask your partner to have a word for you.

Power  plays

Food-related issues can also cause all kinds of stress – from breast-feeding on day one, right through to the chocolate frog given to Junior every time he stays at Grandma’s.

“Nothing causes more fights in my family than food,” says Bec, 25. “It started with pregnancy – ‘Why are you eating that? It’s bad for the baby’ – and is still going. Every time my mother-in-law wants to feed my son David lollies, she makes big eyes at me and asks in front of him, ‘Can Grandma give Davey a special treat, or does Mummy say no?’ What am I meant to say to that? But she knows I don’t like giving him junk food, and he wouldn’t even know what he was missing out on if she’d never given it to him in the first place.”

Prioritise  your parenting  values

“This may be a great example of a power play in action,” explains Hollonds. “It may also be one of the things you need to overlook. The key is to sit down with your partner and, as a team, decide what things are important to you and what things you can let slide. Some issues can easily be magnified out of proportion – a few chocolate biscuits with Grandma is not a direct road to lifelong bad eating habits.
On the other hand, a family filled with friction and in-fighting can be very damaging.” 

Helen, 30, puts a different spin on it. “My mother-in-law started on me when I was pregnant, always giving advice and always disagreeing with what I wanted to do. And when the baby came along, she just got worse. ‘Don’t use those nappies’, ‘Don’t rock him to sleep’, she’d say. I felt like I was in the middle of a war zone: her against me. Finally, my husband had a word with her, and it turned out she was feeling threatened and left out, and this was her way of staying involved. I’m very close to my mum and spent a lot of time with her during my pregnancy, so my mother-in-law wanted to feel included.” 

Hollonds points out that this can often be the case. “Have a think about why she’s acting this way and what could be behind it. If a little bit of extra attention and involvement is all it will take to make her feel like she’s important, she may no longer feel the need to push in.” Hollonds suggests praising her good points and asking for her expertise and advice where applicable. “If there’s a particular meal she makes that you love, you could ask her to teach you to cook it, or ask her to go through old pictures of your partner with you and put together an album for the baby.”

One big, happy family

At the end of the day, you want everyone to get along and enjoy the new baby. No matter how you feel about your significant others, your little one will ultimately benefit from having as many different people and influences in their life as possible. The key is to be upfront and honest. Pick the issues that are important to you and stay firm but reasonable on them, and just let the rest go. Don’t be stubborn for the sake of being in control, or take the stance of “I’m the mother, it’s my decision”, and never discount the wonderful things SOs can bring to the table. After all, who else can you trust to look after your bundle of joy when you reclaim your social life?

By Melanie Hearse 

For more tips on bringing up your baby, check out the Spring issue of Cosmopolitan Pregnancy, on sale now.