Cosmopolitan

You want kids, he doesn't. He wants to live overseas, you don't. Can a romance outlast different life plans?

Parental problems
Charlotte* and David were both 19 when they met. "From the word go, David's mum made it clear she didn't like me. Her sons all studied law or medicine and my accounting degree apparently wasn't good enough. After four years, I just thought, there are easier people to fall in love with."

No relationship is perfect. The idea you'll find a soul mate who shares all your dreams - living overseas in your twenties, kids in your thirties - it's the stuff of sofa adverts. However, while we can learn to compromise on most things, some disagreements are dealbreakers.
Andrew G. Marshall, marital therapist and author of I Love You But I'm Not in Love With You says, "We have this idea that love conquers all, but if your boyfriend cares very deeply about what his parents think, and they're never going to accept you, then that's going to be a huge handicap."'

So what should you do if your boyfriend's parents aren't your biggest fans? "Be really polite and offer respect - without seeming desperate to win them over," says Marshall. "Generally, over time, people will become more accommodating." But if his parents are still giving you grief, then you need to speak to your partner about it. If he continues to ignore their rudeness, that could be your cue to leave. However, sex and relationship expert Bettina Arndt says, "Very often, once children are on the scene, the power shifts, as your partner's family are likely to want to be involved with their grandchildren."

Bubba blues
But what about becoming a parent? More than a quarter of young Australian men do not expect to have children**, according to a recent study. OK. But if they meet the right partner and get to the "right" age, then surely that's another story? Arndt's not convinced. "One of the classic mistakes women make is assuming a man who says he doesn't want kids will change his mind," she says.

Adriana, 28, has been having heated talks with her partner of three years about having children. "When I first met Joel, kids weren't really on my radar. But meeting his two boys made me start thinking about it," she says. "Joel partly blames having kids on the divorce, so it's understandable he's reluctant to have more, but I'm keen to have a child that really belongs to me. We've decided to see a therapist together because I want to make a decision soon. I don't want to get to 35 and suddenly think, 'Oh, so I didn't have a child.'"

Life coach Beth Follini says it's not unusual for clients not to discuss important life decisions before marriage. "Women will say to me, 'I just assumed when he proposed, that kids were going to be part of the package!'"

Follini specialises in helping women make decisions about motherhood, and estimates that 40 per cent of her clients have partners who don't share their parental ambitions.

"Women have to be proactive and bring up the subject early on in the relationship - or risk disappointment."

We're not suggesting you share your favourite baby names on a first date, but once you're in a serious relationship, don't be shy to ask what he sees in the future. "You need to be in a place where you feel calm and confident, because it's such an emotionally charged issue," says Follini. "If you have the conversation when you've just visited a friend with a baby and you're feeling upset, then you can come out with, 'Why won't you let me have a baby?' - which isn't helpful."

Follini was once in this position herself and finally addressed it at age 35. "We discussed the issue for about a year, but finally I said to him, 'If you really don't want kids then I don't think I can stay in the relationship.'" And with that, he decided he could handle nappies and night duty.

Follini thinks it's important to have a "bottom line". "I think there's a point, or an age, where you have to be willing to leave the relationship if you really want kids and he's not keen." Breaking up when all your friends are settling down might be terrifying but it's better than forgoing your dreams of having a family. "Long term, it's the right thing to do. Otherwise you're going to end up feeling more and more resentful towards your partner," says Follini.

The travel bug
At 25, Nel didn't want to regret missing her life goal - an opportunity to move overseas. So she decided to go - even if it meant leaving her boyfriend, Matt, 26, behind. "I was getting really bored in Adelaide, so when I was offered a job in London, I jumped at the opportunity. Matt told me I was selfish and accused me of not caring about our relationship, but I was ambitious and hungry for life experience.  After months of tears and arguments we decided to stop talking about it. That silence was golden. It gave Matt space to really think it over, and he finally decided to join me. Four years later, we're still living in London, and we're engaged."

Marshall thinks it takes at least five months to discuss big decisions. "Unfortunately people often have a conversation that lasts five minutes," he says. "I think people know a problem is insurmountable when they've split up five or six times over it already," says Marshall.  A drunken text might have brought you back together, but you know deep down you're only delaying the inevitable.

Ultimately, most roadblocks can be beaten as long as you're willing to listen to each other and compromise. "You need to be able to put yourself in the other person's shoes and be open to the 'middle way'," says Marshall. That might be a three-month trip around Europe instead of living in Paris for three years. Arndt thinks you need to look at how accommodating your partner is in other aspects of your relationship. "Is he normally considerate and understanding or is this disagreement part of a pattern?" she says. If it's unusual for him to dig his heels in about something, then you need to ask why: does he feel financially ready for a baby? Is a family commitment stopping him from moving overseas? The more you talk about an issue while listening to his side and considering yours - the more likely you are to make the right decision for both of you. Even if that means saying au revoir.

*Names have been changed.