Comedian Emma Markezic on love, sex and why you should always carry a condom…
Welcome to Keep Calm and Carry One, a column all about the most fun, most primal, most brilliant thing we do (I mean, besides shopping, obviously). I’m talking sex, coitus, copulation, making love, carnal knowledge, shagging, boning, screwing, doing the horizontal hokey-pokey, driving the pink love bus into tuna town – whatever you want to call it. We not only partake in it, we talk about it, we read about it, we write songs about it – heck, we even watch other people doing it. Sex undoubtedly sells.
I’m here to give you a comedian’s-eye-view of the dance with no pants – because when you think about it, sex is really quite a funny thing. It’s enjoyable, obviously, but it’s also awkward, messy, ungainly – the whole thing is downright comical. We’re all pretty open about it these days, too – shows like Sex and the City have made us comfortable enough to talk candidly to our friends (in fact, to just about anyone who will listen) about sticky topics like orgasms, anal sex and vibrators. Not to mention we’re all staying single for longer and, ergo, having more sexual partners than ever before. In fact, I always say we’re a generation that’s great at getting laid; not so great at relationships… While our mothers were all married by 21 and putting their wombs to good use shortly thereafter, we collectively decided we’d rather fill that time with education and travel and starting a blog and, well, getting freaky between the sheets with the most strapping male specimens in our immediate vicinity.
So why are we taking so long to settle down? Are all the good ones really taken? People are quick to blame the man drought, among other things, but the problem with that theory is I see plenty of men. They’re everywhere. They’re on the bus., on the street, in bars and restaurants. Which is when it hit me – it isn’t a man drought at all, it’s a wanker flood. Nothing else so adequately explains how you can’t swing a handbag in this town without hitting an Ed Hardy-wearing douchebag. But we women, we’re a resourceful bunch. Just like in WWII when we took to the factories and rationed our food, we’ve learnt to make do with what we have, to adapt to a new social order. We might not want to marry them, but we can convince ourselves that the douchebag will look a lot better once that eyesore of a T-shirt is lying crumpled on the floor. In short, we’ve learnt to act like men. Love ‘em, leave ‘em, and worry about the mess later.
Of course, that’s not to say we have it all figured out, either. Women do some pretty wack things in the name of fornication. The spray tan, for example: take perfectly good, milky white skin, spray at point-blank range with sticky golden goo and leave to marinate overnight until you look like a giant Cheezel. And why do we do this? To look more attractive to the opposite sex, duh. However, when it comes to wanton desire, men will tell you that’s kind of like putting a pair of earrings on Kyle Sandilands and calling him Megan Fox – it doesn’t work like that. Yet we do it anyway – because the douchebag deluge continues. It’s sink or swim and you know it.
Women have used sex and sexuality as currency since time immemorial. We’re just the first generation of women to realise we don’t have to feel guilty about it – that we can celebrate it, that we can be smart and sexy. So until the wanker flood subsides, ladies, just keep calm and carry one.
Word of the month
Shaggenfreude (noun): The pleasure derived from shagging hot strangers. Particularly when done in order to get over an ex.
Want more of Emma's dating truisms? Catch her column, Keep Calm and Carry One, in each issue of Cosmopolitan.