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The Overnight Romance

1:20PM, Jan 27, 2011
Emma Markezic says: why do the “walk of shame” when you can do the “strut of delight”?

There’s a lot of negativity surrounding the ol’ one night stand: words like “slutty”, “meaningless” and “walk of shame” come to mind. I’m not convinced it’s such a terrible thing, though. I mean, walk of shame…really? The one-night stand is awesome. You just got laid. We should start calling it “the strut of delight”. In fact, a colleague of mine goes so far as to call it an “overnight romance” (she even met her husband on one) and I think we should all take her lead. And so I give you the three variations of the overnight romance: The Crazy Horse, The Mutual Romp and The Surprise Ravage.

The Crazy Horse is the most common of all – characterised by its drunken, experimental and often downright kinky nature. It can be broken down into sub-categories such as The Disappointment, The Passed Out Before He Could Finish, The Wow I’ve Never Done THAT Before and even The Oh Crap, I Think I Like You Now. A lot of women do things during a Crazy Horse they might never do with a long-term beau. Case in point: a friend of mine will happily engage in anal sex with a man she never plans to see again but would never dream of doing it in a committed relationship. Go figure.

Next up: The Mutual Romp. This is a slightly less frequent, but ultimately more sought-after adaptation. It’s when both people involved get exactly what they want from the evening. You came, I came, you’re still as hot as I remember you being from last night. Pleasure doing business with you.

The Surprise Ravage is the rarest of them all. The surprise comes when you both realise you actually want to see each other again after said ravaging. Some of the best relationships I know started this way. It’s a powerful thing, the Surprise Ravage. Male friends of mine say the secret is in the spoon (that is, if he’s still big-spooning you in the morning, he’s already thinking about seeing you again). However, you really can’t go into a one-night stand expecting this outcome – it is what it is.

Over the years, I have heard one-nighters referred to as heavy dates, road gigs, skin-deeps and even described as maths equations (add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don’t multiply), but really, they’re like mini 12-hour relationships, complete with pick-up, hook-up and breakup – a whole relationship in super-fast forward. Of course, there will always be those who believe engaging in any of these makes you the Captain of the Slut Brigade – that any one-night stand is sex ill-spent – but I think if they tickle your fancy and you know what you’re signing up for, they’re a healthy part of sexual discovery.

Let’s not confuse fun with foolishness, though. Allow me this opportunity to quote my new friend, Lady Gaga: “[We] don’t live in an era where you can sleep with whoever you want to sleep with. You have to really be careful with yourself and get to know people and get tested before you have sex.” Of course, when I say friend, I meant I follow her on Twitter…but the philosophy stands. So, as always, keep calm and carry one. Or, as the good lady herself puts it, “You put that condom in your purse and save your own f*cking life.” Right on, Gaga, right on.

Word of the month: Vagenerous (adjective):
To be liberal in giving or sharing in the bedroom. As in, “I’m not a slut, I’m just vagenerous.”

Want more from Emma? Check out her column, Keep Calm and Carry One, in each issue of Cosmopolitan.

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