What's your love language?

Love speak

11:0AM, Jan 11

What is your love language? If you want a happy relationship, you need to read this...

Does this sound familiar: you know, in theory, your boyfriend loves you but you don’t feel it. After all, you’re always saying you love him but he only says it when you do. You’re always going out of your way to help him out – because that’s what you do for someone you love - but he seems happy to just buy your affection with gifts. He just doesn’t get you. And you’re right, he probably doesn’t. But not because he doesn’t care, he speaks a different love language and like a Spaniard trying to speaking to someone who’s Japanese, a lot is just lost in translation. So what are the five love languages? We’ve asked personal change specialist Heather Yelland to give us the lowdown on the relationship revolution created by Dr Gary Chapman.

What are the five love languages?

“Chapman proposes that there are fundamentally 5 ways in which we "speak" (or understand) love and each of these is different and unique,” says Yelland.

If you know which language you and your boy speak, you can start understanding each other and how you both express love. Everyone has a primary and secondary love language they use to communicate their feelings.

So what are they?

Physical Touch: they prefer to have their love tank filled through touch. These people love to be in close physical proximity and struggle with long distance relationships. Physical presence and being accessible are very important while neglect can be unforgivable. Too many late nights are the office will take its toll.

Words of affirmation: these people feel loved when they hear affirming words and they’re reassured about how important they are to the other and told why. Insults cut quick to the heart and aren’t easily forgotten. If they have tendency to dwell, they will keep replaying it over in their head.

Like a Spaniard trying to speaking to someone who’s Japanese, a lot is just lost in translation.

Acts of service: loving these people is best done by doing the little things that help them out, especially if the things you do demonstrate that you truly "know" them. Laziness, broken commitments and making more work for them makes them feel like they don’t matter.

Quality time: these folk know they are loved when you make the time to be with them, maybe not even doing anything in particular, but simply clearing the space of other distractions and just being together. Watching TV together doesn’t count, you have to be completely focused on each other. Distractions, postponed activities and failing to listen to them are especially hurtful.

Giving and receiving gifts: these people feel loved when you give them gifts that show you know them and understand what's important to them or when they can give you gifts too. It doesn't have to be a huge diamond either, just something that says "I know you and I care”. It’s your funeral if you missed their birthday or hashed together a hasty, thoughtless gift. Don’t think you can just give a present twice a year either, several smaller pressies would be better appreciated. You still need to give everyday gestures of affection too.

Which language do you speak?

If you think about it carefully you’ll know, which of the above behaviours makes you feel the most warm and fuzzy inside. If you’re unsure you can fill out a questionnaire on Chapman’s website too. Watch the way your guy behaves, you’ll recognise how he expresses his feelings too.

Every time he buys a little gift you know he’s saying “I love you” even if he doesn’t like to say it aloud. But you can also start speaking each other’s lingo too. If he prefers quality time and you’re an independent spirit, you can start making an effort to fit in more dates with him. You’ll also know if he tries to carve out solo time with you, he isn’t trying to be a ball and chain. He just wants to express his love. Aw. We bet it will save you a lot of fights too.

So what’s your love language?