The other woman who makes him smile

The other woman

12:45PM, Jan 14

She’s your dude’s mum – and she plays a serious role in your relationship...

She’s known him longer than anyone else. She’s patched up grazed knees, dished out dinners, changed wet beds (hopefully not recently)… And with this seriously valuable intel we’ve gathered, you can crack the Mum Code to get even closer to your guy.

His mummy made him feel good

Chances are he’ll want a girl who treats him the way his mum did while he was growing up. “The relationship with his mother is the archetype of what makes him feel nourished and loved,” explains clinical psychologist Les Parrott, co-author of Questions Couples Ask. “That relationship has unconsciously shaped what he’s attracted to now.”

If, say, she expressed her love by constantly telling him how special he is and praising him all the time, then he’s probably the kind of person who needs verbal reassurance that you’re into him. If she showed affection by showering him with kisses and hugs, then you can tell him you love him till you’re blue in the face but he may not feel secure unless you’re physically affectionate too.

But it wasn’t perfect

Even if your guy has an amazingly close bond with his mum now, years of living under the same roof could’ve made him overly sensitive about specific behaviour that hurt him when he was little. “Childhood memories can be so powerful that something you do in the present can trigger negative feelings from the past, and make him overreact to certain things,” says Karen Sherman, author of Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, And Make It Last.

Regardless of your feelings about his mum, his relationship with her was the first he ever had with a woman… and the most important.

If his mother rarely went to watch his soccer games, he might get grumpy if you forget to ask how that important meeting went, because it seems to him that you’re not interested in his life. Or if she used to criticise him for dressing like a slob, he might get snappy if you so much as raise your eyebrows at his beloved Converse trainers.

Her disapproval isn’t the kiss of death

Most guys with judgemental mums get that she’ll never be satisfied by anyone he brings home, no matter how awesome the girl is. So even if you’re picking up snide vibes from his creator, that doesn’t necessarily mean your future with him is doomed. How do you figure out if it’s an issue? According to William Doherty, professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota, the answer lies in how he reacts to her disapproval.

If he reassures you by putting her attitude in context (“She’s like this with everyone at first, but I’m sure she’ll love you once she gets to know you”), that’s a good sign, because it shows he takes your feelings seriously and isn’t trying to minimise the situation. But if he just dismisses his mum’s behaviour as no big deal (“What? She’s not mean to you at all!”), beware: it’s an indicator that he’ll never stand up for you with her.

But still, play nice

Regardless of your feelings about his mum, his relationship with her was the first he ever had with a woman… and the most important. He will value her opinion like no one else’s. This means that even if you think she’s being totally unreasonable about something (like insisting you guys visit every weekend), bad-mouthing her or urging him to go against her wishes is never a good idea. He’ll automatically jump to her defence, and he might resent you for putting him in that position. So instead of blurting out, “She’s being way too demanding,” spin your opinion positively: “I’d love to have some weekends for just the two of us.” When he’s not in defensive mode he’ll be more inclined to see your point and make the right choice.