To partially make up to my boyfriend for subjecting him to this experiment, I let him suggest some songs for the playlist.
"It's a delicate balance," he said. "I definitely don't want to ironically fuck to the songs of my childhood."
Too bad, I thought, but figured I'd just switch some of the ones on his list out without his knowledge for a sexy ~~sUrPrIsE~~. Which I did, as soon as he emailed me.
He managed to evade the actual assignment for an entire long weekend. But at last, the morning before the deadline, he woke up and stuck his boner into my back. I rolled away.
"Disney," I croaked.
1. "Colors of the Wind" (Pocahontas)
"This is so messed up," he mumbled. "Can we at least have butt sex?"
"Can you go down on me?"
DOES THE SYCAMORE
I start laughing with his penis in my mouth and he makes me skip it.
Rating: 2/10. Shocking, but the plight of Native Americans as seen through a skewed mainstream-white lens does not make me damp.
2. "Kiss the Girl" (The Little Mermaid)
"Wait, get on top of me," he says, his eyes squeezed shut, clearly trying to block it all out. I oblige.
"No, like, put your legs like this — face up — like, in the crab position."
I do, delighted. "That seems appropriate!"
"Ughhhh, I just realized that as it was coming out of my mouth."
We manage a couple thrusts but the seagull starts scream-singing and I just have to skip it.
Rating: 3/10. One extra point for crab pun.
3. "Heigh-Ho" (Snow White)
We have resorted to the spoon position, avoiding eye contact and instead staring listlessly out into the void. Like a fiftysomething married couple halfheartedly engaging in their regular biweekly coitus after giving the dog his heartworm pill.
Welllllll, we dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig in our mine! In our mine!
"I think I can only do this to love songs."
Apparently the cheerful slave-labor song of seven friend-zoned midgets is not doing it for my boyfriend! I can't imagine why.
"My vagina is the mine."
"I'm literally losing my boner." (He sure is.)
I'm like, "Dude, you picked this one." (He did!)
"TURN IT OFF."
In the name of keeping the experiment going, we skip.
Rating: 1/10. No.
4. "Arabian Nights" (Aladdin)
The melodic aspect of the Aladdin opening song is better than the other ones to have sex to. It's sensual! Granted, having sex to "Heigh-Ho," could make the theme song to "Welcome Back Kotter" sound like Nine Inch Nails, but still.
As I bounce on top of him, attempting to keep our mutual morale high, he furrows his brow, vaguely concerned.
They cut off your ear if they don't like your face—
—it's barbaric, but hey, it's home.
"This is really racist."
"Shh, stop listening."
"And kids don't even know."
Rating: 0/10. Racism.
5. "A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes" (Cinderella)
Rating: 10/10. Quiet enough to block it out, and not racist.
6. "Beauty and the Beast" (Beauty and the Beast)
Perhaps this would be a nice, romantic ballad for missionary? Sort of ... if you can get over knowing that it's sung by Angela Lansbury playing a piece of anthropomorphic crockery. For the first minute or so, we could! But then we couldn't.
We should have tried the funkified end credit cover but we didn't.
Rating: 6/10. "Off to the cupboard with you now, Chip," is now what I will always say to my vagina after sex.
7. "Let It Go" (Frozen)
Idina Menzel's voice is many things, but sexy is not one of them. This was like trying to do it onstage at a middle school talent show as an obnoxious seventh-grade girl stands center stage and screams-sings that RENT song "Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes." Which, incidentally, is how long it feels when you have sex to that song, by the way.
I'm not going to lie and say that either of us was anywhere near finishing at this point, but this was (PUN ALERT) definitely a bucket of cold water to both our libidos.
At this point, he flipped me over into doggy style and I couldn't blame him.
Rating: 3/10. SEAAASONS OF LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE.
8. "Someday My Prince Will Come" (Snow White)
This was one of the songs I put on without him knowing. Luckily, he was boning me from behind and didn't see my decidedly not-sultry grin.
"Get it?!" I shrieked. "Get it?! Hahaha!"
"Please, please, shut up."
Rating: 8/10. Pun points. Two points below perfect because he did not, in fact, come.
9. "I'll Make a Man Out Of You" (Mulan)
If one of these came close to "working for me," I guess it would be this one. Everyone knows Li Shang is one of the top three hottest Disney men (as long as you don't look up a photo of Donny Osmond.)
However, one invaluable lesson learned during this experiment is that I — unlike this industrious Yahoo Answers girlfriend — am not really into mixing any Disney with my sex life, regardless of the actual sex appeal of the character who sings it.
Rating: 7/10. B.D. Wong is awesome.
10. "Hakuna Matata" (The Lion King)
"Fuck this," he snarled, and turned it off.
Boyfriend having hit his limit, we proceeded to wrap it up in our normal, gloriously children's movie soundtrack-less fashion.
Rating: 0/10. I'm sure there are people who can only orgasm when Nathan Lane as a meerkat sings a song about how to lighten up, but we are not those people.
Conclusion: Unless you have a Disney fetish, not recommended, would not do again. If anyone has suggestions for nice things to do for boyfriends, hit me up.