Crimes of passion

Here are 10 bedroom blunders that you should never commit. Ever.

So you're in bed with the man of your dreams (or just a man you picked up at a bar called Dreams?!) and the chemistry is intense. And then, without warning, he compares your lingerie to a dress his mother owns. Needless to say, your jeans are back on faster than a premature ejaculator, erm, climaxes. So you need to be careful what you do and say in bed because it's a metaphorical mine field.

Here are 10 bedroom blunders that you should never commit.

1. Scream someone else's name. One year relationship or one night stand, this is an instant fail in the bedroom.

2. Vomit. Had a drink too many? If you feel like you may need to place a bucket next to your bed, just in case, then you probably shouldn't doing it at all.

3. Watch TV (unless it's porn). So your frisky boyfriend doesn't care that you're halfway through the latest episode of Vampire Diaries. We recommend turning it off before he ends up with teeth mark on his neck and some seriously hurt feelings.

4. Mention your mother, father, or any other relative, for that matter. There is nothing unsexier than being reminded of your family while you wrap your bra around your partner's head. It's the opposite of a turn on.

5. Baby talk. Yes lots of people do it (e.g. "Put your wee wee in my no-no place") but that in no way makes it acceptable. Pretending to be a baby in the bedroom is weird and a little disturbing, and will definitely creep your partner out.

6. Cry. Combining alcohol with hormones will often result in tears. Emotions are a tricky thing to handle, but you should know that they are a natural man repellent.

7. Complain about a body part. Your jiggly thighs are the last thing he is thinking about, so why in the world would you bring it up. Focus on the moment and not what you look like from his angle.

8. Check your messages, email, twitter, Facebook etc. Leaning over him to check your phone during the act is not only rude, but could really hurt his feelings. Don't do to others what you wouldn't want done to yourself.

9. Don't say "I love you" for the first time. If you are going to drop the L-Bomb, don't do it during of sex.

10. Compare him to your ex. Don't even think about it! Thinking about someone else in this situation can only lead to bad things.