Sex

12 Places he wants to have sex that aren't your bed

If only there were a place to have sex that was like a bed but would hurt our knees more. There is. It's the floor.

sex

If you're tired of having sex in your bed, you're in luck. There are tons of other places to have sex literal feet from you. Some are great ideas. Some are terrible ideas. Some seem more interesting than they really are. Here's a whole host of places he is definitely interested in banging to switch things up. Some are better than others.

1. A chair. Let's get this one out of the way. The chair is the place you fuck in hotel rooms because it isn't your chair. You never have to sit on it again, so you don't care how much cum and ass-sweat you get on it. You think you're being real original going, "Oh, let's have sex on the chair this is so crazy," but that's the boning equivalent of people who describe themselves as "random." It's amateur league. Sure, you can get some great lumbar support while you diddle each other, but you can do that on your bed. At the end of the day, chairs are just tiny beds. And what are couches but slightly larger chairs?

2. A dresser. All right, upon initial reflection, this seems like it'd be similar to a chair. But dressers are typically a good foot or two higher than your bed (depending on how high your bed is). That differential could lead to some creative positions, especially if you're on the dresser and your partner is standing. If you're both on the dresser, you're kind of missing the point.

3. The shower. Hey, let's get dirty before we get clean. Hahahahahahahahaha. In terms of sexual creativity, the shower is just a wet chair. Metaphorically speaking of course, unless you're a silver-haired fox who has a literal shower chair. Anyway, it's the shower. It's a place you're always naked in anyway, so why not be naked with another person. Hopefully, that wasn't a shocking revelation.

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4. The bath. Run a bubble bath. Turn on Jacuzzi mode. Bath sex is great, but depending on the kind of bath you have, you might be limited in terms of positions. So you might find yourself on a pile of towels, or...

5. The floor. If only there were a place to have sex that was like a bed but it would hurt our knees more. There is. It's the floor. The only reason you should be banging on the floor is if you got super horny when you were both looking for a lost contact.

6. Your kitchen table. This is another one of those that's really sex in the heat of the moment. Like, "We were going through the pile of unpaid bills that was building up on our kitchen counter, and then he spontaneously swept the table clear, grabbed me, and we made passionate love for minutes." That works. It feels dirty. But don't plan to have sex on a table. Don't be like, "Yo, let's go bang on the table, hahaha, wouldn't that be crazy." There's just not enough substance to table sex to justify that kind of request.

7. Your car. All the steamy, teenage backseat sex without the fear of your parents or constabulary interfering. That's assuming you have a private garage like some rich person. Otherwise, you could still get cockblocked by the local constabulary and maybe your parents, depending on how far away they live now. Also, don't leave your car running with the garage door closed or you'll die. Garage door open or engine off. That's a real safe-sex tip.

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8. From the windows to the wall. Sometimes it takes a club staple from 2002 to communicate what's in your heart. In this case, what's in your heart is boning on any surface in the house that isn't horizontal. Really work those quad muscles while you bang up against a wall or window, or even a door. Just try and find some load-bearing walls (I intended that pun) so you don't fall through sheetrock or a pane of glass during your vigorous lovemaking. Also, one last tip: Don't refer to it as "vigorous lovemaking" to anyone out loud.

9. The attic. "Oh man, this place is spooky! Hope I don't get my dick caught in a spiderweb!" "Oh, wow, I hope I don't get splinters in my vulva!" These are the kinds of things you could be yelling if you decided to go up into your attic naked for some reason.

10. On top of your washer/dryer. Don't pull this off at the laundromat … only attempt it if you've got your own set at home, you lucky dog. If you're having sex on top of them when they're off, well, you're just having sex on top of a metal box. But pop those motherfuckers on heavy-duty spin cycle and it changes the game. It's like a giant robot sex toy ripped straight from a 1950s idea of what a sex robot would look like.

11. Hanging from your chandelier like some goddamn bacchanalian madperson. Grip the chandelier tight and go at it, your nude bodies glistening in Champagne and the moonlight streaming in through the giant picture windows, praying that you'll orgasm before your combined body weight and uncontrollable lust bring the chandelier crashing down. Just mind the bobeche and pendalogue. Those are both actual parts of a chandelier and great nicknames for gentials (also, "candle tube").

12. Your roof. PROS: Assert dominance over your neighbors. Bang on your roof in the middle of the day. Bonus points if it's when everyone else is leaving for work.*

CONS: You could roll off and die.

*Don't actually do this. Ever. I'm also not liable if you show your whole neighborhood your butt hole.