12 weird things that ALWAYS happen during shower sex

Right? RIGHT?

By: Lane Moore
12 weird things that ALWAYS happen during shower sex

1. Feeling like an asshole for trying to elbow your way closer to the showerhead. Unless you have some kind of I-live-in-an-elaborate-hotel-style, showerhead-on-both-sides-of-the-shower situation, one of you will always be cold and the other one will be ... mostly also cold.

2. Realising that water and wetness does not equal lube. And it never ever will.

3. Not being able to really get in a solid wash. The whole time you're making out, all you're actually thinking about is how you'd fully intended to use your Tahitian vanilla body scrub and now that's shot to shit because you're sexing. Sigh. Fiiiine. Keep kissing me.

4. Not being totally sure when to put in conditioner. You can work shampoo into the mix at the start because it can be a weird form of foreplay, but after that, it seems less sexy to go back in and put in more conditioner that you'll probably want to leave on for a while because your split ends have been a serious issue lately.

5. Trying to go down on him but you can't because your mouth is flooded with water like a clown mouth in a carnival game. And his penis is the gun. This comparison is solid as a rock, you guys.

6. Trying to get the body positioning right is harder than trying to negotiate a hostage situation. "Wait, ow, OK, let's try this, ah, no, it's OK, let's just move this way a little" is like the national anthem of shower sex.

7. Knowing that your chances of falling and cracking your skull open are way higher than they usually are. Nothing gets me in the mood like knowing there's a larger-than-average chance I'm going to die within the next hour.

8. Finally finding a position that is working ... JK, it just stopped working. Because they always stop working because shower sex is not a thiiiiing.

9. Wishing there was a ass-size shelf inside your shower. Great, now we're talking about going to the hardware store to look at shower installations instead of having sex. Cool.

10. Wanting to lie on the floor but also not wanting to do that because it's gross. Ugh, you know what? No one's too proud to do this. Let's just give it a shot even though there's no way this floor is big enough. Aaaand it's not. Can you help me up?

11. Considering moving to the bed but then realising you'd just get the bed wet. Or have to put down towels like you would for a dog who keeps peeing on the ground. Hot stuff.

12. Realising shower sex is pointless and not a thing and wishing you were wrong. But you're not wrong, you guys. Shower sex is wrong. So, so wrong.

  • Author: Lane Moore