15 ways to ruin a relationship…

Our sex columnist knows exactly how to scare off new love before it even begins…

I hate first date rules. In fact I hate most rules. Rules, like social norms and multi-packed underwear are best reserved for people of little imagination. So when people talk to me about how they should or shouldn’t act on a first date, I only have one answer. Be yourself. Anything else is exhausting, annoying and, well, lying. HOWEVER…

If your truest most wonderful self includes a touch of the bat shiz crazies (and baby, we can all be cray-cray at times) then I recommend you let your other beautiful qualities shine a little brighter at the start. To help you discern what I mean by “crazy”, I’ve compiled a list of 15 things I have actually done on first dates that have not a relationship made. Translation: the guy thought I was bonkers, bananas and Amanda-Bynes-loco. Please don’t judge me!

Feel free to use any of them should you wish to scare away a potential mate, and avoided them if fancy pursuing what could potentially be a perfect date.

Things to do on a first date that won’t lead to a second date:

1 Refuse to believe his name is his name. Spend the evening calling him by different names to see which one fits better.

2 Burst into tears in the middle of a seafood restaurant after being asked by the waiter to choose from the live tank... you can’t see your seafood alive!

3 Let your date know you have already been responsible for someone dying but it was an accident. Do not go into any details.

4 Drink so much you convince yourself you’re actually Italian. Then adopt the accent.

5 Enthusiastically explain to him that you DON’T have daddy issues. You just really, really like older men. A lot.

6 Tell him about the time you got chlamydia so bad you had to go to hospital. Show him the photo and then tell him that’s the reason you insist on two condoms and lots of cling wrap.

7 Gift him a Dr Suess book on your first date and make him read it aloud to you. Tell him it’s very important that he likes it and that it will determine the outcome of the evening.

8 Wake up in the middle of the night accusing him of marrying Lara Bingle behind your back.

9 Steal his underwear and then wear it the next time you see him as a surprise.

10 Give the waiter your number.

11 Tell him you once had sex with a very famous person and it was the best sex of your life.

12 Ask him to guess which of his other family members you have already slept with.

13 Recount in graphic detail and preferably with diagrams the weird sexual act you were involved in that left your partner in hospital with 11 stitches in his penis.

14 Whilst the waiter waits to take your order, inform both that actually you are on a diet that consists only of carrots. Produce a handy-bag of ready chopped carrots from your purse and munch away, whilst trying to look like a sexy rabbit.

AND my all-time favourite

15 Tell him you write about sex for a living, and that you will most probably write about his performance, his penis or his lack of personality. Do it with a smile.

I’d love to hear about the crazy shizzo you’ve done that has freaked out a first date. Hit me up on Twitter @MissTara_O or my facey and let me know I’m not alone in the awks awards!!

Photography credit: Steven Chee/