You don’t have to have a penis to experience an absolute turn-off, commonly known as a boner-killer. It’s a crime without a victim, existing in the ether, transcending gender and genitals. It’s the death of the boner of the soul. A whetstone that crushes whatever small happiness you’ve managed to make in your corner of the world, whatever momentum you had going. These are the biggest culprits:
1.Getting too much cream cheese on your morning bagel. Wow, it’s like your barista doesn’t even know you. You thought y’all had a sacred bond. Like, you’re in here every day at 8:30 and you are so nice. You smile at them and you’re polite and that makes you such a good person. You can tell a person is good if they’re nice to people in minimum wage jobs. And you know you’re a good person. This feels like a betrayal.
2. Realising you’re out of toilet paper after it’s too late.** Like the horrors of war, this forces a human being to come face-to-face with who they really are. All facade and pretense stripped away, you must make an impossible choice. Sacrifices will be made.
3. Getting out of the shower and realizing there’s still shampoo in your hair. Might as well get back in the shower and lie down and stay there all day and pretend it’s your coffin and wonder who would even come to your funeral.
4. When someone brings free doughnuts in to work, but you don’t find out until all the good ones are gone. It’s not the kind of thing you’d admit to anyone, but you feel like, “Why did they even bother?” Did they actually choose old-fashioned on purpose? Was this less an act of altruism and more some sick game to see someone (in this case, you) suffer? You think about if there’s anything they’ve ever done that you can tell HR about. You think for a moment that you can’t remember how you got this bitter, but then you push the thought to the back of your mind.
5. Forgetting about your morning coffee until it’s cold. You know that moment when you’re so focused at work that you totally forget that you need caffeine just to function and life feels a little bit worse without it? And then your skin crawls as you realize the cup is cold and you’re all [one thousand prayer emojis manifest as thought] and it touches your lips and it’s just… room temperature? And you look out the window, and it looks overcast, and you don’t remember it looking that way when you got into work half an hour ago? And you wonder if you have enough in your savings account to move to a tropical island? You wonder if you even have a savings account. And you don’t know shit about tropical islands, but you know wherever you’d go, the coffee would always be hot there. Everything would be hot … steam rising off everything because you’re right on the equator. Like, perfectly. You put your coffee to your lips and it is so hot that it literally burns. But whatever. You don’t need nerve endings in paradise. That’s what all the locals say.
6.Getting punched in the dick. Literally the ultimate boner killer. If you’ve ever been punched in the dick, you know what I’m talking about. And even if you haven’t, you still know what I’m talking about. That’s how much of a boner killer this is. It transcends experience.
7. When your friend talks up a movie, and you finally see it, and it’s good, but you can’t help but think it would’ve been better if you went in without knowing anything in advance. Are movies getting worse or are you getting worse? Maybe both? Maybe there’s some kind of positive correlation here, on some weird cosmic level.
8. When you feel like summer just started and it’s already over. Remember when seasons had possibilities? When you were a kid and a school year had so much going on that you were a different person by the end of it? And then sun-soaked freedom awaited you and it felt like it stretched out forever? What happens when we become adults? Does puberty just destroy that part of the brain?
9. The crushing weight of expectation. It’s just that life seems to punish optimism. Why go into it with any sense of hope? Just assume that you already peaked somewhere behind you and nothing will ever get better. It’s probably going to get worse. And that way, even if things stay exactly the same, then that’s a net positive as far as your outlook is concerned. You’d see a psychiatrist about it just to make sure, but your health insurance doesn’t cover it. You pretty much pay for the bare minimum … you know, in case of catastrophe. So just spend every day with your fingers perpetually crossed that nothing happens to you. This. This is the ultimate boner-killer.
Source: Comso US