Sex

A bedroom intervention

Emma Markezic thinks three’s a crowd… especially when the third wheel is a phone.

There were three in the bed and the little one said…What the hell, man? Put the mother-flippin’ phone away! Sound familiar? It should. I just heard 90 percent of 18- to 29-year-olds sleep with their smartphones. Ninety percent!

That leaves 10 percent with bletcherously designed bedrooms who don’t have a power point within arm’s reach, and that’s about it. It also means there’s more ’gramming than ramming going on in Aussie bedrooms.

And, as easy as it is to check out just one more meme before you turn in for the night, it’s raining all kinds of havoc on your love life – and probably without you even realising it.

We’re addicts, see…

The crux is a lil’ thing called infomania, and it’s neatly summed up as unhealthy addiction to your smartphone. It also takes FOMO to a new, disturbing level as more of us let technology sneak its way into our sex lives (and not in a good soft-porn way either, but a less peachy just-one-more-email kind of way).

One in three people would rather give up sex than their phone – I don’t think I could get one in three people to take a free massage if I stood on the corner holding a sign and pointing at it with a giant foam hand! When you stop prioritising sex with your lover to read tweets from people you’ve never met, it’s time to put down the phone and pick up a condom.

Sex is a stupidly important part of a committed relationship – only it’s not always going to be the piece of cake it was when you first met. It’s something you’ll probably find you have to work on from time to time. Eventually, it turns into more of a croquembouche than a piece of cake (so a lot of hard-yards but incredibly impressive once mastered) – but surely you want to enjoy delicious croquembouche lovin’?

Time to fix the sitch

As of right now, 95 percent of people use at least one whizz-bang gadget just before bed, and half of the entire population check their phones if they wake up in the middle of the night. If phones were aliens, we’d be talking a full-blown alien invasion. I hate to get all Sigourney Weaver on you, but this cannot go on! You need to kick that mood muncher out of your personal space.

As unofficial spokesperson for sexy times, I’m declaring war. But fear not, I do come armed with a peaceful solution!

It might be a bigger-than-Bieber ask, but it’s time to start banning tablets, phones and TVs from the bedroom. Need a baby step? Plug your phone in to charge across the other side of the room. It’ll stop you grabbing a sneaky peek while in bed, and if you use your phone to wake up, when the alarm goes off you’ll have to get up to hit snooze.

And since you’re already up … why not stay that way? If nothing else, you’ll get back that 15 minutes you normally lie there like a lump. Boom, you just got your AM nookie back. White flag raised, olive branch offered, crisis averted.