Hollywood has the Oscars, footy has the Brownlows - in fact, every industry that ever there was has their own laurels to honour those who have done the hard yards. Even the ever-overlooked sanitation industry has the Garbage Man of the Year Awards. True story. So it's no surprise there are plenty of sexy, sexy trophies to go around as well. From the adult video awards to the sexual health awards to the best sex toy awards, it's an industry with endowments coming out the wing wang. There's even an award conferred by The Literary Review for Bad Sex in Fiction Awards. We're talking an internationally-renowned writing journal here - past nominees include Stephen King and former British prime minister Tony Blair. It's hotly contended. And, as of right now, on my bucket list. I have a feeling if I use the phrase "quivering member" in conjunction with "engorged passion flaps", I'll be a sure thing. Actually, come to think of it, that could even be the title of the book.
There are some more obtainable accolades of course, depending on how patient you are. For instance, if you want the award for Longest Continuous Kiss, you'll have to beat out a Thai gay couple, who in February clocked in a smooch of over 50 hours. Then again, if you're on the hypersensitive side, perhaps you could try to take on that which was originally recorded by doctors William Hartman and Marilyn Fithian - what I call the Oh My Award for 134 orgasms in one hour. I'm no mathematician, but I'm pretty sure that's the square root of extremely sore the next day.
But there is a point to all this. And it comes by proxy of my friend Fanny (not her real name, obviously), who recently found herself in a pickle - namely, that her brand-spanking new beau excelled at mouth-to-south but she couldn't work up the confidence to tell him she wasn't getting enough of the good stuff. After mulling over a solution for two days, I had it: sex awards. Imagine how grateful he was to get the award for Best Tongue Gymnast 2012! He couldn't wait to show his appreciation. I suggest you engage in a little certificate-giving yourself. Perhaps your boyfriend is in the running for Best Channing Tatum Impression or Most Compelling Use of Water-Based Lube? Maybe he'll even want to return the favour and crown you Miss Your Boobs Already or winner of the Shakira Award for Most Mind-Blowing Use of Hip Rotation. Because everyone's good at something - it would just be nice to know what it is. And, you know, possibly be presented with a sash or two. Good sex is its own reward and all, but the trophy for Sexiest Girl You've Ever Slept With? Well, you know what they say, it's an honour just to be nominated.