Sex

25 emotional stages of being with a dude with a big dong

“You’re too big to fit in here, too big to fit in here, too big to fit in here.”

1. Seeing it for the first time and being like “f*ck no.”

2. But seriously... Dayum.

3. Being weirded out that your already little hands look infinitely smaller right now.

4. Two words: Lock jaw.

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5. What if he breaks me? Like actually breaks me. Like it's handsome, sure. But in a 'cervix assasin' sort of way.

6. Death by penis. Shit, I really don’t want to be the girl who died because she got knobbed by a genuine loch ness penis.

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7. Oh, you want to do it doggy style, do you?

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8. IT’S IN MY FREAKING STOMACH.

9. Afterwards, give yourself a good old pat on the back, gurl. You deserve it.

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10. No, I’m totally 100% not ready to go again. And no, this has never happened before.

11. John Wayne. :(

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12. When you describe it to your friends afterwards.

13. Back for Round 2. It’s okay. It’s ok, you got this. We know what sort of beast we’re facing now. ‘Gina aerobics FTW.

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14. Oh hai there, LUBE, my old friend.

15. Foreplay. Foreplay. Foreplay.

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16.  Um, ok, so now it’s become other earthly…

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17. Seriously, this thing has mythical powers.

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18. (But still, ouch.)

19. Maybe I should name it?

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20. Gotta somehow get a picture for the girls. Unless he becomes my boyfriend. Then, that’s a bit weird they’ll know what’s going on between his legs, isn't it?

21. Remember you saw the Bieber dick pic and thought it was massive? Nowadays you’d be all: “Bitch please.” Huh.

22. Your mum was right. Practice makes perfect. She probably wasn’t talking about practicing on a gigantic shlong but hey…

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23. I hope *I’m* not getting bigger if you know what I mean...

24. Actually, WHO CARES. #BestSexEver.

25. And there you have it. You have vanquished this beast. And you’ve got the orgasms to prove it.

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