Sex

Emma Markezic: Sexual Resolution

Sexpect more from 2012, and he shall deliver!

Almost everyone makes a resolution at a new year: get in shape, eat healthier, learn a language... Things couldn't be duller if they were dipped in Kristen Stewart's sweat. If you're like me, you've all but given up your grand plans by January 31 anyway. Probably swayed by a cheesy hotdog or the fact you heard Ryan Reynolds had already dated a girl who spoke Swedish. Well, forget those colourless promises, I say - make February the month when you soldify a sexual resolution.

It can be whatever you like, from the classic "have more", to "tell Scott that fantasy where he's Bear Grylls and I'm the grasshopper larva." But if you're stuck, borrow mine (which I borrowed, coincidentally, from Cosmo). And that is: don't fake it. It seems simple, but until Cosmo sprang International Don't Fake It Day on us, no one ever scolded us for bluffing before. Meg Ryan was all for it, in fact. It was like feigning delight when opening a particularly hideous gift - it seemed like the nice thing to do.

But feign no longer - for we are women, hear us roar! Or not, depending on how skilled he is. I stand by the notion that we should hold people to a higher standard of behaviour. If you get invited to a party, RSVP! If you're sent an email, respond! If someone cuts in front of you in a line, say something! And if he can't make you moan like a heavily pregnant manatee, don't let him think he can!

Look, I'm as guilty as the next Sally. Sometimes it's easier to let Harry think you're enjoying yourself than risk a chafing that sees you peeing sideways for a week. And sometimes it's more about wrapping it up in time for United States of Tara. Either way, now is the time to quit. Faux groan no more!

This pledge may require you to be more voal in the boudoir, or how's the guy to know he's giving a Whitney Houston comeback concert a run for its money? And if there are any dudes reading this, the same goes for you. Granted, it's trickier for you to fake it, but make sure you tell your lady friend what really floats your boat instead of letting friction do all the work. We're in this together people! Relationships are hard enough without counterfeit orgasms.

So, if the push-ups and cottage cheese regime you foolishly agreed to on January 1 is already outwearing its welcome in your otherwise enjoyable life, forego the vanilla resolve and opt for a sexual resolution. If for no other reason than that they're more fun to keep than a pet squirrel monkey. And remember, the following things are OK to fake: fur, holiday skin, natural hair volume. The following things are not: money, orgasms, the funk on a nasty dunk. Probably in that order.

Word of the month

Sexclusive (adj): Used to describe a friends-with-benefits arrangement that has become more permanent. As in, "So that thing with Josh... We're going sexclusive."