You’re into him, he’s into you – no problem getting your sexy on then, right? If only… from funky spunk to “meh” sex, we all have our bedroom dramas. Cosmo to the rescue!
Q: I used to want sex all the time,but lately I can’t get excited,no matter what my boyfriend does. What’s going on with that?
A: Is there something going on between you that’s making you anxious? Because that can cause less interest in sex,” says Kristen Mark, a sex and relationships researcher. Other mojo killers: too little sleep, an evil boss, family drama, and medications such as antidepressants and drugs for anxiety disorders. Also, desire often dips once the honeymoon phase (when you’re boinking like bunnies) is over. This is annoying – but you can work around it.
Try sex even if you’d prefer to keep watching The Real Housewives, because the act itself produces feel-good hormones that make you crave more sex, starting a positive cycle. If you do this and nada, none of the other factors are an issue, and you are turned on by other guys, then it’s possible you’ve lost that spark between you and may need to reassess your relationship.
Q: My boyfriend always asks me if I like what he’s doing while we’re having sex… and wants me to describe in detail why. It’s annoying! How do I tell him to stop?
A: Oh, that does sound grating as hell. Psychologist Rachel Needle recommends talking to Chatty Kevin outside the bedroom. Start with the good: “I love when you [pull my hair, kiss my neck, flip me over], but I kinda need some quiet so I can focus on how awesome it is.”
If you’re up for a little talking during the deed, before he says anything, whisper something like, “Oh, gosh, that feels so good.” You may find it gets you hot when you say it of your own accord, rather than as a response to one of his 20 billion questions.
Q: My boyfriend and I broke up for a year, and in that time I dated a guy who gave me amazing oral sex. How can I get it from my boyfriend?
A: So, that other guy is single now? Sorry, we’ll focus. “Get specific while he’s going down on you,” advises Needle. “Lighter, faster, right there…” If words aren’t enough, guide him by moving your hips against his mouth or nudging him closer, depending on what works. Don’t focus on the past – focus on the amazing oral to come.
Q: My boyfriend’s really good with his fingers and tongue, but he can’t give me an orgasm. I can come easily through masturbation and I’m really comfortable with him – even enough that I can have one in front of him. So why can’t he do it for me?
A: A woman’s orgasm can be short-circuited by one of two things – a lack of skills on her lover’s part, or a lack of trust on hers. He can’t give you an orgasm, and from what you say, he can only facilitate you having one.
If your boyfriend is as skilled as you say he is, then the question has to be what’s stopping you? Do you give up on reaching an orgasm before he does? Do you get impatient? Or do you worry about taking too long? You say you’re comfortable enough to masturbate in front of him, but are you self-conscious about him having his hands on you?
Trust means learning to let go of all these concerns, and maybe that’s really hard for you. Some people find it almost impossible to hand over the reins to their partner because not being in control leaves them feeling anxious and vulnerable. The answer is to let go, stay with it, and just keep on trying… but let him do the trying.