You might think you’re pretty amazing in bed but even if you’ve got your sex moves down pat, you could be making a few big errors in your attitude. You see, there’s more to a healthy sex life than excellent technique, here are the mistakes that could be messing with your mojo:
Thinking he’s always up for sex - anytime, anywhere
So you’ve come home, in the mood, and he just doesn’t feel like doing the horizontal mambo. Before you work yourself into a panic, relax, guys aren’t walking sexbots who are ready to get down and dirty at a moment’s notice.
“He’s a normal human being. Don’t worry, guys aren’t always up for sex, they might be tired or stressed, they can’t be always expected to perform on cue,” says sex and relationship expert Dr Nikki Goldstein.
“Your only concerns should be: are you still having sex? Is it enough that you’re both satisfied in the relationship?” adds Goldstein.
If you’re worried about your dwindling sex life then you need to have an honest and open (no finger-pointing) discussion with your partner.
The sex is over once he’s finished
Just because he’s cum doesn’t mean he can flop in a heap, claim “That was great” then take a nap. Despite what he thinks, sex isn’t done when he’s done.
If you haven’t enjoyed an orgasm, then you need to tell him the party ain’t over and it’s time for some clitoral stimulation.
Sure, certain bits of him might be out of commission but he still has his hands and mouth doesn’t he? Let him put them to good use.
But if he’s a total zombie after the big “O”, then you need to be clear about the order of things: “If his orgasm seriously has wiped him out (and in his defence, his body is flooded with ‘sleep’ hormones immediately after orgasm), explain to him that you need to have yours before he does,” says Daily Mail sexpert Tracey Cox.
Of course, if he’s being stubborn, Goldstein has another solution: “Masturbate in front of him and let him watch you have an orgasm.”
Guys see sex as just sex
Our reason for doing the horizontal tango changes from one day to the next. Last night, you might’ve just been in the mood for an orgasm, but today you could be craving the feeling of being physically connected. And that goes for everyone, including dudes. That’s right, sex isn’t (always) just about scratching an itch for them.
“Guys aren’t always good at expressing emotion and sex is definitely one way that guys can express feelings and get fulfilment,” explains Goldstein.
And when you’re trying to express your love through a little sexual healing, it can sting extra hard when your partner isn’t up for getting down. “If you’re rejecting sex with him, there’s potential for him to feel really personally rejected as well,” says Goldstein.
Rather than turning him down flat, give your guy lots of affection and reassure him of your love. Let him know he’s the hottest thing in the world (sorry R-Gos) and make it clear you’re just turning down sex at the moment, and not him.
“In his eyes, you’re effectively saying ‘I don’t like or want you’. Adopt a new philosophy: don’t say no, say when and always make it clear you’re saying no to sex, not a cuddle or cosy chat,” advises Cox.
You never give him instructions
Reaching an orgasm for a guy is as easy as walking in a straight line. For women, it’s more like trying to find your way around Sydney without a map, so yeah, your guy could use a little direction.
“If you don’t show or tell him how to touch you – when, where, how hard, how fast, in as much detail as possible – you might as well both give up there and then,” says Cox.
But before you start cracking out orders at lightning speed (“Not there, there”) there’s a way to go about it.
“Unless he likes to be dominated, always give a suggestion instead of a command,” advises Goldstein. “Once he’s doing it right, give him some positive reinforcement by going off like crazy and letting him know how much you love it.”
He wants to try something new and you freak out
“We follow exactly the same pattern each time we have sex. Wanting change is nothing to be threatened by. It’s a simple, human need for variety,” says Cox.
In fact, instead of shutting him down, you should take his desire to experiment as a compliment.
“It means he feels comfortable and safe enough in your relationship to not just be ready to try something different, but to express his desires too,” says Goldstein.
Don’t just let the play stop at his fantasies, share your own as well. That said, you also need to set your own boundaries (and tell him about them). Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with just because he wants it, you won’t be doing either of you a favour. Instead talk about your limits with him, you might even find a compromise you’re happy with.