Sex

Forbidden f-roots

Comedian Emma Markezic on love, sex and the legal system. Do you ever think about what sex would be like in zero gravity? I do. An occupational hazard, maybe. Or perhaps I’ve just seen Star Wars too many times. A few years ago, there were rumours NASA was conducting a study of sexual positions during a shuttle mission (which they denied), but if you were up there anyway ... wouldn’t you? It’s not stratosphere-specific, there’s just something titillating about sex performed anywhere outside a bed. The higher, the better. Know anyone who’s joined the mile-high club? I do. He never shuts up about it. People are mad for it – on rooftops, in hot-air balloons. My PB was in a toilet at the top of the World Trade Center. Which does age me slightly, but I can live with that. By definition, if it’s naughty, forbidden or banned in any way, you’ll find someone who’s done it. There are some seriously oddball laws out there, too. Like in Utah in the US, a woman can’t have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. And in Montana, any sexual activity in the front yard of a home after sundown is prohibited. And in Nevada it’s illegal for any member of the legislature to conduct official business while wearing a penis costume (actually, this one I agree with. There are other ways to show how excited you are about a new bill). Last, but not least, my personal choice: in Minnesota it’s outlawed for a man to have sex with a live fish. Free Willy 5: Escape from Creepy Guy! (Yes, that’s right – that means they’ve already made four of them). And you know they only need a law for it because someone performed some outlandish variation of it in the first place... Oh, those wacky Americans – what’ll they get into next?! The fact is, the world is a sexually aberrant hotpot. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals ... as long as they’re female. In Liverpool, England, women can sell their wares topless ... but only in tropical fish stores. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is ... decapitation. China, believe it or not, seems to be the most progressive, where no form of private sex between two consenting adults is against the law. They should really think about putting that in their tourism ads. Come to China: See the Wall, get your freak on! Mushrooming population ... explained! In the real world, most of us are a little more clandestine about our semi-illegal X-rated proclivities. With one notable exception: sporadically getting it on in public. Bad for celebrities who get caught; great for regular horny people. The bonnet of a car, up against a fence, on the beach… It’s like taking a picture of yourself holding up the Tower of Pisa – you do it so you say you were there. Five minutes of bumping uglies in a hotel pool and you’ll revel in it at every drunken dinner party for the next ten years. Felonious, sure, but who wants to be the only one without a story to submit to the “What crazy place have you done it?” competition? It does make you wonder how much of it is about the act itself and how much of it is about the anecdote. Not that it matters, obviously I’m all for awesome sexual narratives. This all reminds me of my favourite line from Carrie Fisher’s latest one-woman show, “Legal sex is shite!” Way to break it down, Princess Leia. Wonder why they never mentioned that in Star Wars? As far as criminal activity goes, you could definitely do a lot worse than this one from Hong Kong: a woman can legally kill her adulterous husband ... as long as she uses her bare hands. What a wonderful, sexually deviant world we live in. Word of the month
Dickscrepancy (noun): used to describe an unnerving person-to-member ratio.
As in, “Yeah, disappointing ... and he had such big feet. Talk about a dickscrepancy!”
Want more of Emma’s dating truisms? Check out her column, Keep Calm and Carry One, in Cosmopolitan.