Just because you’ve had the wisdom to cut sex with the ex, that doesn’t mean the ghosts of orgasms past won’t come back to haunt you. So what do you do when you love the one you’re with, but you can’t stop getting raunchy flash backs? Try to exorcise his demon by creating whole new memories.
Don’t put him on a pedestal
If you’re feeling sentimental, you can convince yourself that the orgasms were stronger (and more frequent) and that he knew exactly what to do. But what about that creepy habit of talking like a kid? Or maybe he only liked three positions on rotation? Don’t forget the bad stuff because otherwise no one else will ever match up.
Don’t indulge yourself
You can’t control your dreams but you can control your waking thoughts. Try a targeted meditation, rather than banishing all thoughts, just banish thoughts of him. When mental images or moments come to mind, throw them out. Instead think about your new man or secret fantasies. Don’t replay “greatest hits” of your rendezvous in the sack, instead think about things you want to do with your new man or if single, someone new you’ve been flirting with. You can retrain your brain. While you touch yourself, focus on the new star of your fantasies and channel your orgasms through him (or her).
Dr Nikki Goldstein, Sexologist and Relationship Expert (www.drnikkig.com.au), says rather than rely on your old favourite moves in the sack, explore things that you could never do with your ex. If you always wanted to play with handcuffs and they freaked him out, now is the perfect time to whip them out with your new man. Goldstein says if you are newly single, this can be a great way to get over an ex and move on to a new sexual life.
Don’t make notes
Goldstein says if you are with a partner you need to be very careful not to compare your ex to him, his body and his love making skills. Focus on what your new partner is good at and not what they do differently to the last. You might find things you were never into feel amaaazing with your bed-mate, so open yourself up to new possibilities.
Cleanse your life
The first step is to make sure he isn’t still haunting you. He isn’t turning up to your parent’s Sunday dinner or going to your favourite coffee shop (which happens to be next to your place). If he is still loitering around, make it clear where he stands – out of your life. You’re never going to get him out of your mind if he standing in front of you. Be kind and explain that you can’t have him around maybe you can be friends in a few decades. If he was worth the time you spent with him, he’ll understand. If he doesn’t, find a new coffee joint.
While it’s important to put it behind you, Goldstein says you shouldn’t forget ex-sex entirely. We can learn a lot from previous partners and experiences (no one had all the moves down from the get go), but it’s also important to keep it out of our everyday thoughts. If you try to move forward, while your eyes are fixed behind you, you’re likely to fall into a ditch.