Sex

WTF is a full-body blow job?

And should you really bother giving it a try?

By: Hannah Smothers

On Saturday, a big, empty warehouse in Brooklyn, New York, was temporarily filled very nearly to the brim with dildos, vibrators, and a bunch of other sex toys that don't really fit into categories for the Sexual Health Expo, or SHE — an annual exposition for retailers and experts in the adult industry. Whether you were in the market for a new toy or just looking to expand your sexual repertoire with advice from veritable sexperts giving seminars and presentations, SHE likely had something for you.

One of those seminars was called "Better BJs with Brandon B.," which advertised, along with satisfying alliteration, that it would help audience members "discover how to use your whole body to go the distance" when performing oral sex on a person with a penis. In case you're of the assumption that blow jobs are a sex act that involve very few, very specific body parts, Brandon's seminar was scheduled to teach you otherwise. What could a "whole body" blow job even look like? Would it be total garbage, or something actually useful? As with most seminars you pay for, it's a little bit of both.

Brandon B. — whose expertise comes from 12 years as an employee of Pleasure Chest, and, as he told Cosmopolitan.com, someone who owns a penis — had answers. A whole-body blow job is not so much about wrapping your entire body and all of your limbs around someone's penis or literally li-li-li-licking someone from their head to their toes as it is about incorporating things that aren't your mouth into oral sex. This can mean a lot of things, and not all of those things are human body parts.

In front of a captive audience in the back of the sexpo warehouse, Brandon, whose outfit on Saturday included a shiny button that said "ORGASM DONOR," explained the many things you might use in a blow job that aren't just your mouth. Consider your saliva, for instance. Sure, it comes from your mouth. And yes, it is wet, but did you know that it isn't the same as lube? It's not. Brandon explained that saliva is thin, and gets dry and sticky pretty fast, but lube does not. The first lesson in whole-body blow jobs then is this: Use the lube. "Lube is your best friend," as Brandon put it, "and spit is not lubricant."

This is useful intel, but it comes with terms. In a separate interview with Cosmopolitan.com, Brandon warned against the use of flavoured lube, which might make your partner think you abhor their natural taste. God forbid. But, as everyone knows, unflavoured lube tastes like licking a hot tire. Brandon's suggestion was to use a brand of lube called Sliquid — which, for the record, while less synthetic-tasting, is still slimy lube. Do with this what you will.

While you've got your partner's penis all lubed up like a Slip 'N Slide, Brandon suggests getting your hands in on the action. He actually said that hands are "essential" to a blow job. I'll concede, this is a useful tip, especially for people who want to give their mouths a break or make their partners feel like more of them is in their mouths. Lubed-up hands can feel surprisingly like the inside of a wet, slippery mouth when you cup and squeeze someone's penis. Also, using your hands in addition to mouth stuff can give the sensation of deep-throating for people who straight-up do not want to deep-throat. He did at one point give some tips about reducing your gag reflex, but your gag reflex exists for a reason: to keep you alive.

It should go without saying, but I'll say it anyway: No one who wants you to train away a natural bodily reflex deserves oral sex. No one.

Further along in our journey to uncover the secret truths of the full-body blow job, we arrived at your jaw. For a lot of people, your jaw can start to get sore, after, I don't know, 10 seconds? Brandon said that jaw tightness and soreness mid-BJ just means your jaw muscles aren't strong or developed. He didn't happen to mention how someone can avoid this jaw pain while going down, however. Maybe you could just chew a lot of gum? I don't think they have barbells for jaws. I feel like Brandon would have mentioned them.

Sometimes, though, "whole body" means actually using things that aren't on your body. Huh. Toward the end of his seminar, Brandon pulled out some supplemental toys you might consider if you're in the business of amping up your blow jobs. One of those toys was a rubber sleeve that you slide onto a penis, which can also be handy in mimicking a deep-throat sensation if that's something your partner likes (honestly, though, #NeverDeepThroat).

All in all, Brandon's class seemed to be for people who are black belts in blow jobs and are bored with the current state of things. And if this is you, that is fine! But do you really need to incorporate more body parts into a standard, run-of-the-mill blow job to make it great? No! You don't. Don't fix something if it ain't broke, or whatever. When there's a full-body blow job class that teaches you how to incorporate your earlobes or something truly wild, please let me know. But until then, basic BJs are more than fine.

Source: Cosmo US