Q: “I want to try sex toys with my boyfriend. Any ideas how to bring it up? I don’t want him to feel like he’s not enough for me.”
A: Don’t worry about that male ego; like Lara Bingle’s career, it’s much more resilient than we give it credit for. Why not suggest going toy shopping together. “Make it an adventure, with the goal of finding something that you both love,” says sex coach Amy Levine. “A small vibrator (one that doesn’t look intimidatingly large) is a good place to start.” Or give a vibrating penis ring – which will stimulate your clitoris and the shaft of his penis and his balls – a go if you’re feeling a bit bolder.
Q: “I’m seeing a guy who kisses me and does things boyfriends do, though we haven’t had sex. The only problem is, he hasn’t introduced me to his friends or family. Why? Does he think I’m not good enough?”
A: You say he does all the things a boyfriend does – except for sex. So you laugh together, go out and talk to each other from the heart as friends do? If you really are friends, ask him calmly, not accusingly, why he hasn’t introduced you to others. It could be them, not you, who embarrass him. Or maybe they know something he’s not yet ready for you to know. Give him a chance. And give yourself a chance to learn how good you are.
Q: “I’m addicted to watching videos of my guy and me having sex. It’s better than watching porn. Why?
A: Deep down, many of us do have a streak of exhibitionism, according to Levine. “It’s taboo – and anything that feels a little bit wrong only serves to amp up your excitement.” So keep on watching your naughty self… but promise you’ll be careful! Even if you trust your guy, you never know what’s going to happen – so after you watch your movie (and get inspired to go at it again), delete it. It’s far too easy to hit the “share” button by accident.
Q: “I work as a flight attendant and recently got together with a pilot. It was great, but he’s married, and I think his wife must have seen a text message I sent him. He hasn’t looked at me since. Also, a colleague saw us kissing and told everyone… Should I look for a new job?”
A: Well at least you learnt a lesson – the hard way. Getting together with a colleague is unprofessional. No exceptions. And if he’s the one with his hands on the control panel, as the less senior member of staff you are the one who’ll pay the price. You’ll inevitably be found out and provide fuel for office gossip.
And any kind of extra-marital affair is potentially flammable. Make yourself do the hardest thing: nothing. Say nothing to anyone, and not one unnecessary word to him. No eye contact, no texts. Give trouble a chance to cool down. Then, if you feel like you must find another job, gossip will be less likely to follow you.
Q: “I’m dating an uncircumcised guy. What do I need to do differently during sex – and does this mean I’m more likely to catch an infection if we ever don’t use a condom?”
A: You don’t need to do anything differently. You should find that uncircumcised penises respond pretty much the same way to attention (and boobies) as circumcised ones do. If you have only been with circumcised guys before, it’s probably simply a matter of getting used to the sight of a foreskin like a turtleneck on the end.
That said, you are right in being concerned about infections. Research shows that the rate of STI transmission is lower with circumcised penises, says urologist Dr Howard Kim. “There is also a higher rate of HPV occurrence in women who have sex with a partner who is uncircumcised.” It’s because immune cells under the foreskin are susceptible to disease, raising your risk of infection. Whether he’s circumcised or not, it’s always safer you take the stance “no glove, no love”, particularly with any new partner.
Q: I’m aware that my fiancé views porn quite a lot, but he rarely wants to have sex with me. What’s going on with him?”
A: If his Legally Boned box set comes between you and your orgasm, there’s a problem. You could suggest he goes for therapy to help him shift his pattern from porn to you, says sex therapist Gracie Landes. You could try taking turns planning weekly “sex dates” and suggesting new fantasies or some moves to do. It might seem awks – but it’s worth it if this is the guy you want to marry. It’s not that he has to stop watching porn, he just needs to understand that getting off to porn can’t be a substitute for getting off with his bride-to-be.