Great sexpectations

There are some days on the sexual calendar that come with more loaded anticipation that others, says comedian Emma Markezic…

Emma Markezic

There are some days on the sexual calendar that come with more loaded anticipation that others, says comedian Emma Markezic… Life comes with a few certainties: death and taxes, so I'm told. But given the current state of the world (I like to refer to these modern times as the post-Lewinsky years), I think we can add a few more things to that list. Like unpaid overtime, expensive dental care and birthday sex. And anniversary sex and holiday sex… In fact, there are just some occasions that come complete with sexpectations. It being February, our minds turn to all things Valentine's Day - roses and cherubs and chocolates… But while the onus is on him to buy the flowers and pay for dinner, the oft-unspoken onus is on you to do something else entirely. There are variations on the theme, of course. I'm talking a Brisk Jog (that's what my friend Jon calls it - as in, "I could really go a Brisk Jog"), but it's more commonly identified as a BJ. A blowie, if you will. Not the kind you get at the hairdresser - unless you have a particularly close relationship with your colourist - but the kind that men have been trying to swindle women into for aeons. I think at almost any given time a man has tried to impress a women, he's clutching onto the slightly misplaced hope that it will lead to this outcome. Actually, I'm pretty sure the caveman who first discovered fire was probably just after a blowjob - just quietly, he probably got it too. In fact, I'd say our Fire Man was the envy of cavemen several clans over. This isn't a one-way street, mind you. Unless your boyfriend is a particularly selfish lover (I do also sometimes refer to these as the post-Clinton years), hopefully in return he'll "make your leg shake and make you go crazy", as Will.I.Am would say. That's the thing about sex - it's a bit of a barter system. Tit for tat, this for that. That reminds me of one of my favourite bedroom games, Clothes Barter. It's sort of like a combination of Monopoly and strip poker in that you trade items of clothing until the loser is reduced to their birthday suit. This can go on for hours depending on how seriously you take your trades but is hilarious and great foreplay. But I digress… The problem with occasion sex is the problem with great expectations of any kind - that the anticipation often outweighs the delivery. Remember how high hopes were on your first time? Yeah… not exactly the fiery fun-filled time you had planned, huh? It was probably more akin to Spencer and Heidi's bizarre fake divorce: gross, slightly disturbing and most definitely seedy. Or perhaps it was more like when Steven Bradbury won his Olympic gold medal: kinda nice but ultimately sub-optimal and over in a matter of seconds. My point is don't let expectancy get the better of you. The best way to do this is to treat it lie any other day, or actually, rather, the reverse - treat every day like Sexual Christmas. Don't wait for a special occasion to rub in a little erotic elbow grease. When it comes down to it, it's like sexual punctuation. The way a full-stop ends a sentence, so sex ends a big day. It's a fitting finale, really… like the credits at the end of a movie. Only more explosive and with less likelihood of people walking out in the middle of it. So I say, celebrate Valentine's Day the way Cupid intended - by performing mind-blowing carnal wizardry with your significant other until the sun comes up. Awww. Word of the month
Sexcentricity (noun): a sexual eccentricity, such as a clothing or foot fetish. As in, "Yeah, he does like it when I wear that Julia Gillard wig… just one of his sexcentricities, I guess." Want more of Emma's dating truisms? Check out her column, in every issue of Cosmopolitan.