Sex

9 things that give him a confused boner

Why are you hard, penis?

By: Frank Kobola
9 things that give him a confused boner

The penis has a mind of its own. Sometimes, it inexplicably pops a boner even when we wouldn't necessarily call ourselves aroused. It's times like these that our penis seems a bit confused*.

1. Jessica Rabbit. **Our penis is like, "Hey, a sexy lady!" but then our brain is like, "Wait a minute, that's a cartoon." But it's too late, because our penis already hopped on the next train out to Bonertown and by the time our brain is trying to flag our penis down, that train has left the station.

2. Getting yelled at, and simultaneously being annoyed and turned on.​ On one hand, the domination aspect is kind of hot. But on the other, stop getting mad at us for not taking out the garbage. We're going to do it in a second. But on the other ​*other​ hand, get more mad at us.

**3. When you're really upset and he's comforting you, but you're also pressed up against him and he's into it. Our brains (and hearts) are really, really there for you because we know you're upset. Meanwhile, our idiot penis is just doing its own thing, like a dog peeing in the middle of a floor during a wake. You want to be mad at it, but it also has no idea what's going on.

  1. When you borrow one of his shirts. **​Why is this sexy? It's one of our stupid dress shirts. If anything, it should remind us of work, and also ourselves. This makes no sense, and yet you look really good in it.

**5. Literally any of these things. ​These are inanimate objects that barely qualify as vaguely vaginal-looking. WHY are we into it?

  1. Getting tickled. **​There's no explanation for this other than we're that desperate for human contact.

  1. Needing to pee. **​It starts out as a regular pee boner. But then it sort of becomes a regular boner somewhere along the line.

  1. Vintage pictures of people who are like 90 now but were hot in their youth. **​Our boners ignore the laws of time and space, including the knowledge that the pretty lady we're looking at is currently a great-grandma.

  1. Nice feet. Why are body parts that have the potential to be so gross attractive? Is it the risk factor? Is it ​because*​ feet can look super messed up? The world may never know.

  • Author: Frank Kobola