His and hers guide to oral sex

Here at Cosmo, we believe that a problem shared is a problem gone. Over to our experts to answer the questions you wouldn’t even dare ask your girlfriends...

His and hers guide to oral sex

Dr Ian Kerner, sex therapist and author of She Comes First, says men’s magic hot spot is the underside of the penis head: "A still gentle tongue there is all it takes to drive a guy wild." Dr Mo Kurimbokus, relationship counsellor and sex therapist. Mo’s top tip for an orgasmic blow job: "Don’t be afraid for squeezing him firmly, but each man has his particular preference so let him guide you." Dr Pam Spurr, sex and love expert, and author of Sinful Sex: The Uninhibited Guide to Erotic Pleasure. Dr Pam says that for the best oral pleasure to take you to orgasm, ask him to start gently, "Using a lapping technique, rather than a stiff, poking one." Susan Quilliam, sexologist and author of The Joy Of Sex: The Adventurous Lover. Susan says, "Lick his nose (or little finger) with the same rhythm, speed and pattern as you like to be licked."

What do men really think about when they're giving their partner oral sex?

"Most men love giving oral sex as it's intense, intimate and removes some pressure for them to perform with their penises," Dr Ian says. "Many women have hang-ups about how their genitals look, taste, smell, or that they're taking too long to climax. Men often write to me asking how to get their partners to relax and enjoy it." Still not convinced? Then try typing, "Do men enjoy giving oral sex?" into Google and see the thousands of men enthusing on forums about the delights of cunnilingus.

I hate giving oral sex to my boyfriend but feel guilty if I don't. Help!

"You're not the first girl - and you won't be the last - to hate giving oral sex," says Dr Pam. She finds that the two main culprits likely to put a girl off are that she's had a bad experience with a man who's "hygienically challenged" or she's lacking in confidence and doesn't know if she's doing a good job. "If it's the first, have a shower together and when he's fresh as a daisy, tumble unto bed and give it a whirl," she suggests. If the issue is technique, ask him straight - most men would give their right arm to be asked how they like to be pleasured. "Ask, listen and then check you're doing as he says," she explains. "But he needs to remember his manners and return the favour!"

Do men usually climax quicker from oral sex or penetration?

Our male panellists offer opposing theories. Ian believes it takes less time to climax through oral sex as it's combined with manual stimulation: "This gives a degree of friction that's more like masturbating than sex." But don't panic if our partner takes you to the point of lockjaw before he hits the big O. This isn't necessarily a reflection on your technique. According to Mo, some men are able to last longer during oral sex as they can lie back and relax with no pressure to perform. "The key word is 'relax'," he says. "They also have more control over the stimulation as it's easier for them to give verbal instructions - 'that's great, stop now'."

Do orgasms from sex differ to those from oral sex? How?

"Every woman experience every orgasm differently," says Susan. "But in general, penetrative sex will engage your vaginal muscles and your cervix more, so you may feel the climax inside." And that doesn't just apply to girls. Although the orgasm is similar for a man, Mo explains that the experience can feel quite different. "With sex, there is far more skin-to-skin contact - depending on the position - increasing the pleasure," he says. "When that's combined with kissing, more senses are stimulated and the whole experience feels different." But that's not to say he's having any less fun when you're giving him oral pleasure. That's up to you: "With oral sex, the sensations leading to orgasm can be very different, depending on how she uses her tongue, hands, teeth, as well as the rhythm and speed," says Mo.

What technique gives the ultimate blow job? (And what's the worst thing you can do?)

Taking the words 'blow job' literally would be a cardinal skin, says Mo. "The worst thing you can do is blow into his penis as it's a very sensitive area." He says the secret to a top performance is showing interest, being creative and varying things. "Relax, experiment and enjoy. Listen to what works for him,: he says. Susan agrees communication and variety are key: "When you start giving him oral, ask him to tell you what works. Then try sucking, licking across and around, concentrating on the head, taking it deep… When he says he likes something, do more of it and build up a repertoire of moves: She adds that the worst thing is to try it when you don't want to - "he'll sense that and feel rejected". The other is to bite. Ouch!

Does how you're waxed affect how much you enjoy oral sex?

Most of us have had that moment when his kisses head south - you body's urging him on but your mind's screaming, "Why didn't I wax?" But does an overgrown garden have a negative impact on your enjoyment? "Girls who are waxed often find they're more sensitive," says Susan. "And if you're waxed, your man has freedom of movement and can experiment. He's also likely to enjoy himself more as he doesn't have to burrow through the undergrowth!' she says. But if waxing fills you with dread, don't panic. Mo reassures us that some men prefer women as Mother Nature intended. "The way he runs his fingers through the hair and caresses it can produce sensation that you won't experience if you've waxed."

What should you do with your hands while giving oral sex?

Your hands can be helpful for both of you during oral sex. Giving your mouth a helping hand will maximise the sensation for him and prevent your jaw from aching. Susan suggests a couple of options - one for each hand: "Work his shaft, sliding up and down in time with your tongue strokes with one hand and use the other to touch his balls, gently stroking, lightly scratching or massaging."

My man doesn't like blow jobs - how can that be?!

Mo insists that not every man enjoys a blow job. But he points out that your technique may not be working for him. This can be rectified by "talking to each other about your lies". But as Pam explains, the problem may not be to do with you: "Maybe he's only received bad oral sex in the past." She also says that some men are nervous about getting their parts hurt by teeth or nails. Either way, it's not your problem, says Pam. "Don't worry about it. As long as he's happy you give you oral, it's his loss."

Sometimes oral sex feels too sensitive. What's that about?

"If you climax, you'll be sensitive and oral sex may be too much," says Susan. "If you haven't yet climaxed and it still feels uncomfortable, you may not be suing enough lube, or he's going at it too hard," she suggests. And men also suffer from post-orgasm sensitivity if there has been too much focus on the area at the top of the shaft of the penis. "This is the male equivalent of the clitoris," says Mo. To take the pressure off, "Explore different parts of the penis - lick, stroke and fondle all of it," he suggests.

Do men like repetitive motion or a mix of speed and rhythms?

Ever freaked out during a blow job? Am I going too fast? Is he bored? Our sexperts say you would keep him on his toes. "Guys like variety and a mix of speeds and rhythms," says Ian. "But as he's reaching the point of no return, he'll need high friction to orgasm. So start with variety and end with consistent intensity." Pam adds, "Alternate a repetitive stroke with swirling stokes, going between a one-handed experience and using both, varying the friction and pressure."