Sex

How to get your orgasm back

The case of the missing libido is tricky and important to solve...

How to get your orgasm back

Your libido isimportant. It’s a powerful barometer of any underlying medical or psychological issues – and way too many women actually worry themselves sick mistaking lack of mojo for personal sexual failure. But there are many reasons why the big O may have stopped showing up for bedroom fun times. Here’s the low-down.

Pill-poppers be wary

“Antidepressants are notorious libido-killers,” confirms sex therapist Cyndi Darnell.

According to her, low libido and orgasm dysfunction are the most common ailments for women on them. But taboos associated with female sexuality paralyse discussions about it.

So what medications could cause this? According to Dr Angela Cooney, hormonal pills, anything psychoactive, sedatives and even antihistamines can potentially have an impact on sexual enthusiasm. “Any form of medicine can do anything to any person if they are unlucky,” she points out.

For Emily, 27, her orgasm was the price she had to pay to relieve her depression. But, unlike me, Emily got the heads-up beforehand from her GP.

“I’ve noticed an impact on my libido,” Emily says.

“But because I was aware that might happen, I was spared the anguish and panic.”

The effects of medications can be gradual. For example, you may take the Pill as a contraceptive, but it can result in menopause-like symptoms, such as vaginal dryness and soreness that may make sex uncomfortable or even painful over time.

Other sex drive suckers

“Loss of libido is something that needs to be investigated,” advises Dr Cooney.

Sexual dysfunction can be a symptom of many things, including depression, iron deficiency, thyroid problems, HIV, glandular problems, chronic fatigue, diabetes, digestive problems, alcoholism, cancer, a cold, a urinary tract infection or even a simple yeast infection.

Darnell agrees. “When your body is not at optimum fitness, it’s not going to function for you sexually.”

Serious tiredness was to blame for Jessamy, 35, whose libido vanished after she gave birth to her second child.

“I was running around after a toddler all day and nursing a newborn, while my partner lost himself in his PhD,” she recalls.

“I was exhausted, but I just convinced myself my unwillingness for sex had nothing to do with the unequal household burden.”

Kym, 28, and her partner had enjoyed an explosive sexual connection before Kym’s enthusiasm waned. “We both gained quite a bit of weight,” she reveals.

“Things were not quite in the same place, and routines we’d grown used to became an effort.”

And then… “There are just crap shags,” says Darnell.

“Guys may focus on doing things that appear visually spectacular in porn – but they might not be physically pleasurable.” Sadly, many women are made to feel they’re abnormal for not enjoying it.

Getting your “o” back on

If your body experiences a relentless pattern of trying to get aroused, which is always followed by frustration, it’s more than understandable that arousal flags, Dr Cooney explains.

“Your body’s sick of revving itself up and not going anywhere. The libido you had before wasn’t being reinforced by what you were continuing to do.”

This means that persisting with unenjoyable sex is actually the worst thing you could do, because negative sexual associations register powerfully on your sexual enthusiasm.

Both experts agree the path to sexual self-understanding and being satisfied with your sex life begins with taking responsibility for getting to know your own body.

“Forget about having sex with a partner for a moment,” suggests Dr Cooney.

“Instead, do some homework on yourself.”

She recommends libraries of family planning clinics and sexual health websites for frank information. Darnell herself runs hugely popular workshops and seminars.

“Your partner does not have a magic penis that will make things better or make everything work,” says Dr Cooney, bluntly.

“If you don’t want to talk to your GP about it then visit your local sexual health clinic – they really have heard it all before, because you’re not the only one.”