Sex

How to give a finger blow job (yes, you read right)

It's not fingering. It's not a blow job. Meet the finger blow job.

By: Jill Hamilton
How to give a finger blow job

We've got a bunch of writers and sexperts who are brave enough to try out old, crazy Cosmo sex tips and review them for you. So here goes. You're welcome.

The Tips (a double!): "Graze the crease behind his knee with your knuckles, moving in a back-and-forth motion. Make sure he's lying down — mind-blowing bliss may cause his legs to give out."

And:

"Bring his hand to your mouth and flick your tongue from left to right against his palm. Then suck each finger, softly scraping his fingertips with your teeth. He'll get a taste for just how clever your tongue is."

I get that sex is not just rubbing sex parts together and is really about Sensual Exploration With Another but, quite frankly, these tips didn't give me a ton to work with. They seemed less like "sex tips" and more like just "nice things to do." However, I am into obeying instructions so I was plenty GGG (meaning: "good, giving, and game," coined by national treasure Dan Savage. Usage per Urban Dictionary: "I didn't think my wife would like to fuck me in the ass with the candlesticks but she was GGG.")

The Setting: The living room floor on a sheet, the only reason being I was too embarrassed to tell you all that I did it, yet again, in the bedroom.

The Music: Blur's 1997 eponymous record, the one with "Song 2." Just 'cause.

The Act: Because these "sex tips" were so, uh, minimal, I knew I had to up my game. I couldn't just diddle with his hands and the back of his knees, then hop aboard. So I made it a full-on massage, mainly so he wouldn't think I had, like, a thing for knee creases. It seemed like that was the kind of thing that could snowball, like when someone says politely one damn time that they like quirky socks or something, and then receive them every gift-giving occasion from then on.

I gathered some amazing massage oil (For the record, "massage" is one of the skeeviest words ever. "Nude" is no good either. Write this down, will you?), as well as some really good lube because I think that slippery stuff is super sexy. You may disagree, so ratchet your lube levels up or down, to your liking.

The massage (which was in the nude) went well until I tried my secret bliss-inducing knuckles-on-the-knee-crease move. "Are you experiencing mind-blowing bliss?" I asked, realising that that is not how sexy people talk. He knew a trick question when he heard one and wisely chose not to answer. But it was obvious that it completely "meh." It honestly would have been more exciting if I'd done that thing where a school crush comes up and pushes on your knees, causing them to give.

The finger sucking is a good classic tip, even though it is a bit "Look at my sexy move." It really is like a preview of what you'll be doing to his dick and I found myself getting off on it because, if you must know, I do like giving head. (Attention Google: make sure to archive that particular statement with the proper algorithm so my future employers/grandchildren, etc. can easily find it.) N. said nothing about my "clever tongue" but I'm sure he will brag about getting some clever tongue action later because that's exactly how guys talk.

The Verdict: The knee tip doesn't even really qualify as a tip. Sure, some lovers might dig it but it's not, like, Forbidden Wisdom courtesans have secretly been passing down for generations.

The finger tip is excellent, but it works best if the urge to suck rises organically and you do it with the proper amount of lustful debauchery. Then, my friend, it's golden.

  • Author: Jill Hamilton