One glaring finding: Men thought women were having more orgasms than they actually were. 84 per cent of guys in the survey said their partner had experienced orgasm during the last time they had sex. But only 64 per cent of women confess to actually having experienced an O. That’s a pretty major gap between perception and reality!
We decided to investigate further and conducted a poll on cosmopolitan.com.au. 80 per cent of readers said they don't think their guy knows when they fake it, and 91 per cent of fakers say they don't plan on telling their guy the truth. But delivering Academy Award-worthy performance in the boudoir merely encourages your guy to continue doing things in bed that don't get you off. And that's a damn shame. It's hard to come clean, and we get that. 67 per cent of women in our poll said they were worried they'd hurt their guy's feelings if they admitted they'd been faking. So we turned to Debby Herbenick, PhD, associate director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, and author of Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva, for advice on how to fess up without crushing his ego, and then let him know what you really want. STEP 1: BREAK THE ICE
Since this is a sensitive subject, it's key to emphasise your role in the situation, rather than pinning it on him. "You want him to empathize with your experience," says Herbenick. "If you're embarrassed by your difficulties reaching orgasm, or worried that he'll get annoyed that you take so long, you should tell him." This shows that you don't blame him for your climax drought. Initiate the conversation outside the bedroom, when he's fully clothed (and less vulnerable). Say something to the effect of, "Hey, I want to talk to you about something. It's kind of embarrassing, so I've been having a hard time bringing it up before now." Here's another tip that might help you out: In Herbenick's research, she found that women are much more likely than men to indicate that they're "not sure" if they had an orgasm during their most recent sexual experience. Men almost always know because there's physical evidence, but women (especially younger women) routinely express confusion and ambiguity. If this sounds like you, Herbenick recommends telling your guy: "I was reading in Cosmo that women don't always know when they have orgasms, and it got me thinking. What we do feels incredible, but I think that if we try something a little different, I might be able to experience something more intense. I'd love to try that with you." This way he won't think that everything he's been doing is wrong... and he might be intrigued by the potential to bring you even greater pleasure.
STEP 2: STEER HIM IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION
Start off by reassuring him that you've been enjoying yourself even without orgasms. "Give him props for the things he's doing right," Herbenick says. Then tell him you want to work together to get to the big O and that sex might feel even more amazing if he goes a little gentler, adds a finger, or whatever it is you need. Just be specific about what you'd like him to do. "It's very frustrating to hear your partner say, 'No, that's not going to work, try something else,'" Herbenick says. The clincher, of course, is knowing what you want, so explore on yourself first to see what gets you there.
Also, consider bringing in reinforcements. Although many people assume that guys are intimidated when a woman wants to use a vibrator during sex, Herbenick's research has found that most men are actually totally happy to incorporate it into sex play - and some even see it as taking off some of the pressure to bring you to orgasm every time. During your discussion, mention it as something that could be fun, then bring it out the next time you and your guy get naked. It's a hot, semi-kinky way to demonstrate where your hot spots are and how to touch them. By Carolyn Kylstra