If someone asked you if less sex meant less spark, and you thought, “Less sex? What in Chris Hemsworth’s hammer is she talking about?!” then you’re probably one of two people. You’re either a) a lucky schmuck in a brand spanking new, shiny relationship, or b) a sex robot sent from the future to woo mankind with your mechanical wiles. If you’re Person A, then read this anyway – ’cos it will happen to you eventually. And if you are Person B, welcome! You probably don’t even need to read this, as you’re no doubt programmed for constant sexy times. But everyone else… read on. You might just learn a little somethin’ somethin’.
HOW OFTEN IS OFTEN ENOUGH?
How many hairs are on Beyoncé’s head? How many times has Lindsay Lohan broken the law? How does Pharrell do it? This is one of those knots that’s not easy to untie. So let’s see how Cosmo readers get it done. Cate, 29, and Sean, 30, have been together for four years and they have sex… drum roll, please… twice a week. Then there’s Rachel, 25, and Ben, 26, who’ve also been together for four years and enter the mattress Olympics an average of twice a month. And behind door number three we have Emily, 26, and Joel, 28, also four years in and currently having sex an average of once a month.
So what’s the deal? Who’s normal and who’s not? Sexologist Amanda Joy Robb says, “How often a couple has sex can depend on a range of things, like age, gender, libido, life-stressors and more; everyone’s different.”
But if you really want it in black and white, one of the best sources of info we have says that on average, 18- to 29-year-olds have sex 112 times a year, while for 30- to 39-year-olds it’s 86 times a year.
WHY THE NOOKY HAS GONE MIA:
So if you’re not bumping nasties at least once or twice a week, should you be worried? “There are so many reasons a couple’s sex life has diminished, and many of them are as simple as someone being tired or feeling stressed and worn out after an exhausting day in the office,” says Robb.
“If a couple is going through a transitional stage in their life that impacts on both their emotional and physical welfare, such as a career change, illness or grieving a loss, then it’s actually pretty normal for that couple not to have a rockin’ sexual appetite.”
But what if it’s none of the above? What if you’ve gone from doing it eight times a weekend to just eight times a year, without even really noticing?
“We stopped having sex every other night when we moved in together,” says Ben. “We went from seeing each other three or four times a week to every single night,” adds Rachel. “So I guess it just didn’t seem as urgent anymore.”
Sound familiar? It should, says Robb. “Anyone who has been in a relationship before might be familiar with the ‘sexual honeymoon phase’ and how, after time, it can become much less frequent. This is actually quite common in couples, and tends to happen over time.”
HAPPY IS AS HAPPY DOES:
But what if, like Emily and Joel, you’re both perfectly happy having sex every couple of weeks? Luckily, a lack of sexy sessions doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship, just as long as you’re both satisfied with the frequency.
“I would probably never tell any of my mates this, but I don’t have a super-high sex drive. I feel like maybe we should be having sex more, but at the moment we’re in a routine neither of us really seem to mind,” says Joel.
Just make sure you’re not convincing yourself otherwise because you don’t want to face bigger problems in the relationship.
“Our libidos can come and go, and some of us just go through a bit of a lull,” says Robb. “It becomes a bad sign, though, if you find your disinterest in having sex with your partner sticks around. If your sex life is low because feelings about your relationship have changed, that’s cause for concern!”
So how do you know which it is? “A good way of nutting this out is to gauge your libido with masturbation,” says Robb. Basically, if you can turn yourself on when he can’t, you might have a slight problemo. But fear not, – this article’s not over yet!
WE’RE BRINGING SEXY BACK:
Here’s my sage advice: think of it as like going to the movies. When was the last time you turned around and realised, “oh, I’m in a cinema! Since I’m here, I might as well check out a movie.”
In a similar vein, sex ain’t just gonna happen, so make sure you’re buying tickets to your own show. Here are three juicy tips from Robb to make sure you do just that…
1) Dreamt of having sex in nothing but a tutu? Do it: “Create a sex bucket list together and make room for experimentation.”
2) Lock lips like you’re 14-year-olds behind the bike racks: “If you’ve stopped kissing each other like you did when you first met, start doing it again. It’s amazing what a classic pash can do.”
3)Grab his junk at the shops: “Take on a more ‘spur of the moment’ attitude – don’t schedule sex in!”
PUT SOME ELBOW GREASE INTO IT:
Don’t sweat it too much, but a whole shebang of studies show couples who have sex on average a couple of times a week tend to be happier in their relationships. So until sex robots are invented, put on Jason Derulo and get busy as much as you damn can.