I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice-cream. And I have it on good authority that Katie screams extra loud if it’s hokey-pokey licked off her nipples. Wait, what? Let me explain… Katie is the kind of girl who likes to “experiment” in the sack. She’s tried all the flavours in every combination.
Know how I know? ’Cos Katie’s one of my besties and I’ve heard about her shenanigans since she popped her cherry in Year 10. I was there when she bought her first lacy G-string at the mall on a Thursday night, and I know that these days she could be a sexy cop or bunny rabbit any night of the week.
I have always applauded Katie’s penchant for pillow performances and I love hearing her tales over wine on a weekend, but I have a dirty little secret too. Deep down, I’m a bit jelly. I’m not sure I actually want to do the things she does, it’s just that hearing all about her antics makes mine pale in comparison. And a little niggling feeling creeps in. What if I’m a snooze-fest at sex?
Y’see, I have more conservative tastes. While Katie was shopping for naughty knickers, I was stocking up on Bonds boy-legs. It’s not that I’ve never tried anything else, it’s just that dress-ups, role-play and chocolate-flavoured lube don’t do it for me. In Baskin Robbins terms, I don’t mind the occasional rum ’n’ raisin but, if I’m honest, I’d happily take vanilla every time.
Until recently I felt like I was in the majority. But then along came Fifty Shades of Grey. All of a sudden, kinky s** was as mainstream as Harry Potter*. There were so many people reading it on my daily commute that they could’ve started a book club on the bus to discuss Anastasia’s S&M adventures.
Then I popped to the cinema to check out the latest Selena Gomez flick, Spring Breakers. My eyes were assaulted! I knew it wasn’t going to be rainbows and unicorns, but I was not prepared for that gun-fellating scene. I’m pretty sure it would’ve made a porn star blush. And this is not some under-the-radar movie – it’s got Vanessa Hudgens in it. These former Disney stars are making the missionary position look like an episode of Play School.
You don’t even have to leave the house to realise society has kinky sex on the brain. Tune into Channel [V] on a random Saturday morning and you’ll most likely be watching Rihanna bound, gagged and latex-clad as you tuck into your toast. And who needs porn when you’ve got Game of Thrones?
All this can make a girl question, “Am I boring in bed?” It’s crossed my mind more than once. “If I don’t do spanking, striptease, or hang spread-eagled from the ceiling, does that make me a prude?” I asked my girlfriends.
I was surprised to hear most had experienced feelings of inadequacy. One friend, Emily, recalled that in the early stages of her relationship she felt so self-conscious about her vanilla tastes that she tried to be someone she wasn’t. “I thought that to be a good bed partner I had to be a sex goddess, and presumed that’s what all guys wanted. So I bought this kinky schoolgirl outfit,” she said. “I felt kinda silly but I put it on and strutted into the bedroom. He didn’t need convincing!
“Later I asked what he’d thought of my outfit, thinking he’d been totally turned on by the schoolgirl scenario. He replied, ‘Oh, the kilt?’ He thought it was a kilt! I realised it wasn’t the outfit that had turned him on, but rather the fact I’d made a move at all.”
Keep it real
When it comes to sexy times, perhaps we need to let go of our performance anxieties and just be ourselves. After hearing Emily’s story and talking to a bunch of guys (yes, I interrogated my guy’s mates), I learnt that when it comes to sex, guys aren’t over-analysing what we’re wearing or thinking
“This sex is not X-rated enough for me.” They’re usually just super keen to get it on with someone who’s as into it as they are.
If whips and whipped cream get you in the mood, then all power to you. I’ll never be that girl, and that’s OK. I can say nothing turns me on as much as being with a guy who loves me, boy-leg undies and all. I’ve decided to stop looking around at what everyone else is having and concentrate on what I want. When it’s my turn to order, I’ll be proclaiming, “Vanilla, please!”
By Rebecca Sloan.