From The Rules to pretty much every dating book ever, the general consensus is, sex on the first date has been always major no-go. Boring! It’s 2013 and we’d like to say this commandment has passed its used-by date, but we can’t: If you’re looking for love and not just feel good vibrations, jumping into bed too soon can mess with your game.
The sad truth is a lot of guys don’t appreciate what they don’t work for: “If she puts out on the first date, I will pretty much instantly disregard her as a potential long term relationship candidate. While I wish it wasn't the case, men remember the women that they don't sleep with more than the women that they do,” an anonymous source told the Telegraph UK.
While this might be one guy’s opinion, dating expert and matchmaker Samantha Jayne isn’t surprised: “I think sex on a first date is a huge risk if you are looking for a something long term. Men have a primal instinct where they love to hunt. Sleep with a guy too soon and he has no chase, you’ve taken away the adventure, the challenge and deep down he’ll wonder how many other men have been there before.”
We might like to think the double standard is done and dusted, but according to Dr Wendy Walsh, author of The 30-Day Love Detox, guys have yet to be reprogrammed. “The system that awarded merit points to men for sexual experience and demerit points to women for the same behaviour, in fact, has disappeared – but only in the minds of women,” she says.
In other words, even if they are pushing to to take you home, that doesn’t mean some guys won’t pass judgement on you when you agree.
And if you’re on a date with a player, it’s even worse: psychologists Prof David Buss and Prof Martie G. Haselton have found the more a guy has “got around” himself, the more likely that he’s going to see you as less hot once you sleep with him. Unfair, we know!
“First-date sex doesn’t lead to love for men. If the guy is a player, first-date sex more often leads to distain for a woman,” says Walsh. Pretty harsh, right?
Walsh adds that sex on the first date can also sell you short, “The truth is there are two distinct dating markets. One sells bulk sex at a low price – perhaps the price of one drink or a well-worded text, and the other sells a select variety to a narrow market.
“People who want a healthy relationship ‘charge’ a high price for sex: attention, love, care, commitment, and social status.”
And whether you like it or not, guys will slap a label on you, “Men see some women as marriage material/girlfriend material and others as good time girls. They categorise women within the first few minutes of meeting her, it all comes down the vibes she gives off and the image she portrays and how much of a challenge she is for him,” says Jayne. And where’s the challenge if the hunt is over on the first night?
So what is in it for us if we wait longer for nookie with a new guy? “We live in such a quick fix society where we want it and we want it NOW! Waiting before having sex creates anticipation, gives you something to look forward to,” says Jayne. “Plus as you get to know each other you’ll work out what press each other’s buttons.” Ok, that might be worth the wait.