We all know that men just want one thing: sex. Except, in actual fact they don’t. Ok yes, they do want sex, but not with just anyone, and certainly not a revolving door of forgotten names and awkward morning-afters. And yet, all of us (not just women) continued to distil them down to a cliché. While some men are truly Casanovas, the majority aren’t romancing far and wide, and it’s not because they don’t have the opportunity. They would rather keep things simple and commit to just one gal.
“We rarely hear about women who do the same things or men who value commitment and just want to be held. I promise, there are plenty of men like that! The amount of men I meet who stay in relationships which are sexless, purely because they love and are committed to their partners is staggering,” says relationship coach Chantelle Austin.
A new book (Challenging Casanova: Beyond the Stereotype of the Promiscuous Young Male) has been making waves by trampling the idea that men are sex fiends. Author Andrew Smiler told Jezebel: "The Casanova myth is so deeply ingrained that people are convinced that boys who claim to want relationships rather than casual sex, are either incredibly rare or full of crap."
Support for men’s promiscuity has come from misguided assumptions, based on focusing on the few rather than the masses. Casanova was, after all, one man. The International Sexuality Description Project found 25 percent of young men wanted to have two or more sexual partners in the next month compared to five percent of women. Yes, more men want to have multiple partners. But 75 pecent don’t. That has to count for something!
Even if there is a biological imperative that drives men to spread their seed, not enough credit is given to a guy’s decision-making abilities. The myth still pervades that they’re incapable of resisting temptation. That’s why it’s up to women to keep the world organised and not butt naked, right? Wrong. Men are very rational creatures. They aren’t all brainless zombies groaning “seeex, seeeeex”, but logical, thinkers who can make a choice before getting down and dirty.
“Men shouting out about their need for connection and forgoing sex is a quieter voice than the media screaming “cheater” when someone like Tiger Woods is busted valuing sex over love, connection and commitment,” adds Austin.
Even if it has zilch to do with reality, the idea is so ingrained, it only takes one dude stepping out on his girlfriend to convince us we were right. For every cheater we know, we can meet thousands who stay true. But cheaters tend to stick out like a horror story in a rom com marathon.
However, it looks like new wave of lads will be closer to putting the ghost of Casanova to rest than ever before. According to new research, the next generation of men are placing more value on meaningful relationships than previous generations. The opportunity to have more platonic female friends is helping them to see even greater importance in bonding emotionally, not just physically. They don’t have less testosterone, they aren’t less “men”, but they won’t be bowing to societal expectations that they have to sleep with someone every time the opportunity arises. That can only be a good thing.