12 oral sex problems only twentysomething women understand

Because god-willing after 30 these stop being a thing.

By: Lane Moore

1. Being totally unsure about whether or not you even want him to go down on you because you've been taught that your vagina smells like fish or some crap. So then you spend all of this wasted time thinking oral sex (and your own body) are gross when really both are life-giving and one day you will know this.

2. Not being totally sure of the last time you showered and wondering if he can tell it was def not today. Even though I guarantee .0008 percent of guys wonder if their balls smell awful before someone goes down on them because they almost always do.

3. Having a constant internal monologue about how long it's taking you to come and trying to tell yourself it's OK that it's been a while because you're relaxing and he's just figuring it out and to please chill.

4. Wondering what the hell you look like when he's going down on you and if it's just a series of blobs with a vagina at the bottom. Sadly, you shall never know the answer to this.

5. Struggling to figure out a hot/polite way to say, "Oh my god that move is never going to work on me. Stop it." But instead just kind of fidgeting and trying to shift your body in another direction so he'll get the hint.

6. Suddenly realising you've spent more time moaning like a porn star so he'll know you like it than actually focusing on how good this feels and then be like, "What the hell? No. Screw that. I can be quiet and enjoy this."

7. Realising he is straight up bad at this and then trying to figure out if he's worth dating anyway. Can you ever really get around a guy who doesn't know how to make you have an orgasm and doesn't seem to be open to suggestion? No, you cannot.

8. Wondering if what he's doing to you right now worked on some other girl and what the hell her problem was. Like no offence to his ex, but someone seriously loved having their boobs twisted like door handles while he went down on them? I hope she's OK.

9. Trying to find a subtle way to straight-up ask him to go down on you without sounding like a Sex Princess. And then realising why guys do that (although NEVER ACCEPTABLE because damn, just ask me or have me offer) head pushed down to the crotch thing.

10. Being cool with him going down on you while you have your period, but being terrified that when it's over it'll look like he just ate a person. Which technically he did. Zing.

11. Trying to find a hot way to take a tampon out before you get down. And god forbid you had a pad on. There is no coming back from throwing your pad-laden underwear on the floor in a hot way.

12. Hearing him make weird sex noises that sound like he's eating a messy sandwich when he's high and starving. But then realising, "Who cares? Someone's going down on me. I'll just try to ignore the fact that he's made my vagina into a burrito."

Source: Cosmo UK

  • Author: Lane Moore