The 10 types of orgasms every woman has had

Including the "My Apartment is only going to be empty for another 10 minutes before my housemate gets home, I have to really make this count" orgasm.

By: Lane Moore

1. The holy crap, I think I'm having my first orgasm orgasm. This one is pretty much 90 percent "Is this what it is?! Is this what it is?!" and then 10 percent "I am forever changed. It is only now that I begin living a truly full life. I will mark this day on my calendar so it may always be kept holy."

2. The honestly I am getting really great at having orgasms orgasm. This usually happens in your first few months of having orgasms, but can also be after a few years when you're starting to really become a seasoned orgasm pro and you find yourself reaching some next-level shit with yourself and partners. Basically, it's the "painting my nails so they look dope" emoji of orgasms.

3. The my apartment is only going to be empty for another 10 minutes before my housemate gets home, I have to really make this count orgasm. There is something fierce, determined, and totally hot about knowing you only have a small window of time before your housemate comes home and if you don't have an orgasm before then, you might not get one at all tonight because masturbating while she's there is creepy as hell and you know it. The combination of that need and the time constraint makes for a very specific and totally awesome type of orgasm.

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4. The Jesus Christ, that took foreeeeeever but it was worth it orgasm. If you've ever been masturbating for what seems like centuries and just can't get there, so you try to remain cool and collected and know that an orgasm awaits you because damn it, you're going to make it happen, you know exactly what I mean. Ideally, this results in the "Hell yes! So worth it!" type of orgasm, but sometimes it just leads you to the hell that is…

5. The Jesus Christ, that took foreeeeeever and honestly it was not worth it orgasm. This orgasm is just rude. Doesn't it know it took you over 45 minutes of patience and trying various techniques and positions to be able to get it to happen? And then it has to go off and be lukewarm at best? What a dick.

6. The wow, I seriously didn't think that guy had it in him orgasm. You know when you're hooking up with a guy, and your sexual expectations could not be lower, and then he pulls out some sex moves that are like if Magic Mike's dance scenes were actual sex, and then you just stare at him confused like, "Who are you?" after you come? Yeah. It's that.

7. The oh my God, this guy I've been seeing for three months finally figured out how my body works orgasm. Having sex with a new partner can be really weird and rough and awkward for so long that even if you're crazy about them, it can still be super frustrating that you can't figure out how he can get you off. So when he finally does it, you basically want to high-five him like you guys just cracked the code to a safe with $4 million in it (and rightfully so).

8. The eh, I guess that technically counted, but just barely orgasm. Similar to no. 5, but it doesn't have to take forever to get to the pile of human urine that is this orgasm. Everything else about the experience seems really normal and things seem to be rolling along quite nicely until the finish line leaves you like, "Um, that was it? For real?" Both orgasms will leave you feeling grouchy and betrayed because this is not how life was supposed to be at all.

9. The I have wanted to masturbate all freaking day but I couldn't for a variety of reasons and now that I'm masturbating it's so great orgasm. This is the one where you're super turned on all day but you had work until 5 and then had drinks for another two hours, and all you want to do is go home and masturbate, but you can't yet. Then when you finally get home, you barely look around to make sure no one's around, rip off your clothes, and make that shit happen. This orgasm is usually very close to also being this orgasm…

10. The I have been transported to another planet that no one else is on and I am now a star person made entirely of rainbows orgasm. Often elusive for many, when you have this orgasm and your entire body turns into a giant clitoris made of ribbons and gold and all your favorite Tumblr GIFs all at once, you will remember it forever. Even if you one day, break up with the person who gave it to you (assuming that person wasn't in fact you), they will always be the person who made you temporarily lose vision in both eyes and thereby turned you into a shooting star who is more orgasm than person.

Source: Cosmo US

  • Author: Lane Moore