Sex

Phone sex, anyone?

You know how everyone has a special talent? Well, for one Cosmo girl it’s talking dirty. So she decided to try working as a phone sex operator…

Phone sex anyone?

Yep, you heard, I’m a pro. I’m not talking Little-Miss-Trash-Mouth-out-of-a-seedy-porn-film style, what I’m good at is making things, often ordinary, everyday things, sound sexy.

See that toaster over there… mmmm that tooooaster heats my bread up.

Want pizza for dinner… Oh yeah let’s order a big, big pizzzzza.

Tara your rent’s overdue... Is it? Oh but just you wait until you get it, you’re going to lovvvvvve it.

See! With my sordid emphasizing skill, coupled with my love of pajama pants as daywear, becoming a phone sex worker just seemed like a logical career step.

And so I did it. For a weekend.

DirtyChat, is a hotline for men who are feeling a little lonely and in need of some, ahem, release (please don’t make me go into it, I know that you know what it’s all about).

Nervous that I had no prior experience within the field of telephonic fornication, I wrote an eloquent email to DirtyChat explaining that although I was a novice I did have many redeeming features that would make me the perfect phone sex operator. My list reads like this: I’m great at accents (my specialty is Indian), I’m almost always at home, I know more dinosaur jokes and random useless trivia than anyone should, and I like the words caress, succulent and penetrate.

Within an hour I was officially registered on the site. All I had left to do was choose a name, log my availability and they would do the rest.

I choose the name Julie, because that’s my mum’s name and it just seemed completely inappropriate, much like my new profession. So “Julie” was available from 5pm till 11pm Friday and Saturday night for some downright dirty discourse.

When Friday came around I was more than a little anxious. It had all been so easy and fun making up my naughty alias, but now I wasn’t really sure if I could do it. What do I say to a caller? What kind of person would call? What if the caller turned out to be my uncle?!?!

And so I made an agreement with myself. I will give it a try and if at anytime I feel uncomfortable or freaked out, I will immediately bail on the whole thing.

5.45pm: My very first caller!

Him: Are you a naughty girl?

Me: Yes, I....

Click. He hung up.

Was that the wrong answer?

7.37 pm

Him: I want your foot in my mouth, what’s it look like?

Me: (Seriously?) Well, it’s pretty standard really, five toes etc. I actually have nicely portioned feet, but I worry about my bunions.

Click.

8pm

Him: .....

Me: Hello?

Him: .....

Me: Hello? (This went on for almost a whole minute.)

Click

Throw in a guy who asked if I could cry like a baby while asking for my bottle and another weirdo who liked pigeons, like a lot, and it was enough for me to hang up my phone for good.

No one had stayed on the line for more than a minute, earning me, after DirtyChats took their commission, a grand sum of $13.20 and a total loss of respect.

My advice for future sex line wannabes: don’t do it. It’s creepy. And no one can make a pigeon sound sexy...not even me.

*Keep up-to-date with all of Tara's adventures here @MissTara_O. She writes about sex and all that other fun stuff!