No one wants to have a discussion about the meaning of life during the horizontal tango, but we can all agree that there needs to be some noise happening otherwise it can just be plain boring, right? If you sound as if you’re auditioning for a porn film, while your guy might as well be gaged, there is obviously a discrepancy between your volume controls. But what does this mean, and is it a major problem?
Sex and relationship coach Chantelle Austin says that while it might be disheartening when you don’t receive audio reassurance from your partner it doesn’t mean that he isn’t having a great time with you: “Like some women, he might be shy and feel uncomfortable making noise, or because he lived in homes where he couldn't make noise, he got used to silent pleasure.”
However, according to Austin, vocals are important for a healthy sex life, so it’s something worth working on: “Noise lets others know they are enjoying themselves and our general perception is; the more noise, the more pleasure being had! Sound definitely helps trigger more desire in the other person, you both get into the moment and feed off each other’s vibe, so it’s worth getting loud!”
Dr Nikki Goldstein, sexologist and relationship expert, adds that “Vocals can be a great way to have some more fun and really express to your partner how good it feels. When we know we are pleasuring our partner it is a turn on so why not let them know as much as possible. The biggest sex organ is your brain and your ears are the gateways to it.”
Daily Mail sexpert Rowan Pelling says that shyness in the bedroom can be as much about someone’s personality as what is actually going on between the sheets: “I would stress the fact it’s tougher for a restrained type to become effusive than for an expressive person to rein themselves in. However, with a bit of mutual effort and understanding, you should find a happy medium.” Relationships and sex coach Susie Tuckwell adds that generally what happens outside is mirrored inside the bedroom, “People need to look at underlying issues behind sexual behavior. Is his silence an issue of control? Is he equating unemotionally with being a real man? Couples need to ask these kinds of questions.”
So what else makes some men beacons of restraint when it comes to bedroom chat? A big part of it is the way guys have been conditioned from a young age to curb their emotions, says Pelling. If you want to get more response from him (we’re talking a few moans and groans, not singing his ecstasy for your neighbours to hear), try encouraging conversation outside the love nest. Before you actually get down to the act, talk about your fantasies and create an open and sharing environment. Helping him be more expressive will allow him to feel freer when telling you just how much he enjoys being with you. “Hopefully when he sees the benefits of being more vocal you won't be able to shut him up,” says Goldstein.
It’s understandable that you might want/need vocal signs that you’re pushing his buttons, but you also need to bear with him, don’t expect him to suddenly create a dirty ode to you. Once you have opened channels of communication during sex, allow him to progress in his own time. “Make it clear you’re not demanding great soliloquies, just affirmative murmurings,” says Pelling. “He may be labouring under the misapprehension that most women are demure and retiring in the boudoir. You could try watching some old episodes of Sex And The City to dispel that myth.”
Austin also suggests, “Sharing with him how incredibly turned on you get when you can hear how much he's enjoying it, and make noise.” It’s possible that dirty talk, moaning and groaning just doesn’t turn him on, and when it comes down to it, if he can walk the walk, does it really matter if he can’t talk the talk?
Goldstein says that women can take their sexual assurance from other cues: “Some men are just not talkers in the bedroom but if you want to see if he is responding to your skills, check out his physiological functions. Can you see his muscles tense, does the expression on his face change, is he looking a little bit more flushed in the face or are his fingers and toes curling? Not all men are going to tell you when it feels good but there are other ways around this.”