If, like us, you learnt practically everything you know about sex from Cosmo’s sealed section then you’ll remember flicking through pages of useful advice, erotic possies and adventurous tips (yup, we all remember the classic ~IcE CuBe~ trick). But amidst the bedroom guidance and WHOA-worthy wisdom, we’ve got to admit, some retro sex tips were just batshit CRAZY. Forget O-ing, these seven pieces of advice are guaranteed to make you lol for days.
1. "The art of the tickle: Use a feather tickler to dust of you bookshelf – or to tickle your man’s nips (and other tender parts). Don’t knock it till you try it – feather on skin is a highly understated, tingly turn-on."
We shit you not: this was a legit thing that actually happened.
2."Kinky boots: Stage your own off-off-off Broadway production, starring you in the role of 'irresistible dominatrix' and co-starring your bf in the role of 'guy who’s been very bad'."
3. Try this sex position spin: Assume the on-top position, facing him as he lies on his back. While squeezing his penis, lift your leg over his body and swivel around, never letting him slip out of you. Squeeze three to five times, keeping close to base. Then turn again so you’re facing his feet. Move in small circles rather than up and down and swivel around until you’re back at the start.
Say whaaa?! That sounds physically IMPOSSIBLE, let alone satisfying.
4. Hot spot 1: His family jewels. You know he likes you playing with his penis, but an enormous 99% of respondents said they also want you to play with their balls. ‘With your fingertips, make tiny circles with your nails,’ said one guy. ‘Try holding both his balls snugly in your mouth, and then hum your favourite song,’ said another.”
“How about I hum a little RiRi on your balls bae?” said nobody. Ever.
5. Face, meet boobs: Have your fave sex object human sit in a chair and straddle him. You get face-to-face contact and sweet clit friction, and he can get personal with your arse and breastesses.
Breastesses. That is all.
6. Things to say in bed: ‘My, you're as handsomely proportioned as Michelangelo's David,’ or, ‘You’re the envy of all my boyfriends’ and ‘My God – this has cleared my sinuses!’
Seriously, you can’t even make this shit up.
7. “Q: How should I be moving my hips? A: When in doubt, experiment like a mad scientist! Try clockwise circles, then try counterclockwise circles. You could even try all the letters of the alphabet. As you do, pay attention to what rings your bell.”
For the record, never do anything like a mad scientist in bed. Ever.