How to tell him you've been faking it
We decided to investigate further and conducted a poll on cosmopolitan.com.au. 80 per cent of readers
said they don't think their guy knows when they fake it, and 91 per
cent of fakers say they don't plan on telling their guy the truth.
But delivering Academy Award-worthy performance in the boudoir
merely encourages your guy to continue doing things in bed that
don't get you off. And that's a damn shame.
It's hard to come clean, and we get that. 67 per cent of women in
our poll said they were worried they'd hurt their guy's feelings if
they admitted they'd been faking. So we turned to Debby Herbenick,
PhD, associate director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion
at Indiana University, and author of Read My Lips: A Complete
Guide to the Vagina and Vulva, for advice on how to fess up
without crushing his ego, and then let him know what you really
want.
STEP 1: BREAK THE ICE
Since this is a sensitive subject, it's key to emphasise your role
in the situation, rather than pinning it on him. "You want him to
empathize with your experience," says Herbenick. "If you're
embarrassed by your difficulties reaching orgasm, or worried that
he'll get annoyed that you take so long, you should tell him." This
shows that you don't blame him for your climax drought. Initiate
the conversation outside the bedroom, when he's fully clothed (and
less vulnerable). Say something to the effect of, "Hey, I want to
talk to you about something. It's kind of embarrassing, so I've
been having a hard time bringing it up before now." Here's another
tip that might help you out: In Herbenick's research, she found
that women are much more likely than men to indicate that they're
"not sure" if they had an orgasm during their most recent sexual
experience. Men almost always know because there's physical
evidence, but women (especially younger women) routinely express
confusion and ambiguity.
If this sounds like you, Herbenick recommends telling your guy: "I
was reading in Cosmo that women don't always know when they have
orgasms, and it got me thinking. What we do feels incredible, but I
think that if we try something a little different, I might be able
to experience something more intense. I'd love to try that with
you." This way he won't think that everything he's been doing is
wrong... and he might be intrigued by the potential to bring you
even greater pleasure.
"Only 64 per cent of women confess to actually having experienced an O"
STEP 2: STEER HIM IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION
Start off by reassuring him that you've been enjoying yourself
even without orgasms. "Give him props for the things he's doing
right," Herbenick says. Then tell him you want to work together to
get to the big O and that sex might feel even more amazing if he
goes a little gentler, adds a finger, or whatever it is you need.
Just be specific about what you'd like him to do. "It's very
frustrating to hear your partner say, 'No, that's not going to
work, try something else,'" Herbenick says. The clincher, of
course, is knowing what you want, so explore on yourself first to
see what gets you there.
Also, consider bringing in reinforcements. Although many people
assume that guys are intimidated when a woman wants to use a
vibrator during sex, Herbenick's research has found that most men
are actually totally happy to incorporate it into sex play - and
some even see it as taking off some of the pressure to bring you to
orgasm every time. During your discussion, mention it as something
that could be fun, then bring it out the next time you and your guy
get naked. It's a hot, semi-kinky way to demonstrate where your hot
spots are and how to touch them.
By Carolyn Kylstra
Subscribe to Cosmopolitan and pay only $6 for 3 issues!
Subscribe to Cosmopolitan and pay only $6 for 3 issues, which is a saving of 74%!, then pay $18.95 every 3 issues thereafter. Plus, enjoy FREE delivery direct to your door anywhere in Australia.
Subscribe
today >>
Leave a comment
Comments