Emma Markezic: To mate or date?
Which all begs the question: is monogamy natural? To which I say, stop begging, it demeans us all - especially the question, who probably didn't want to be involved in the first place!
In the biological sense, at least, monogamy is about as far from
natural as a moustache on a baby. We're created to mate, not date
(and dare I say record numbers would tune into Mating in The Dark
on a Sunday evening). The research is brutal: it's been proven by
multiple horny scientists that a man's sperm count
is higher with each new partner, and that females are hardwired to
seek out
the genetic diversity for their yet-to-be-sperminated young. Which
begs another question: who's handing out the grants for this sex
research and how can I get in on the ground floor? Or, as the case
may be, get off on the ground floor? (Note to self: apply for
funding).
We are much more than the sum of our primate parts, though. We've
evolved. If human social capacity were a pyramid, monogamy would be
the pinnacle. Why? Because it's freakin' hard to pull off, that's
why. We can roll most of what constitutes a modern relationship
into the same big, waxy ball of frippery. But it's a damn good one
as far as waxy balls go, amiright? As a social construct, a loving
monogamous relationship is right up there with art, literature,
language and those curly straws in the shape of glasses that you
can wear at the same time you're drinking out of them! Awesome in
every way.
Besides, the rabbit warren is exhausting. Which is not to say that
monogamy equates to settling - far from it. Loyalty implies love
and devotion and all good things about the human spirit. Finding
that person you'd happily motion through the ocean of life with
only to discover that they feel the same way about you - well, it's
like being invited to an Alexander Wang sample sale. An offer too
good to pass up and sure to send those who missed out into seething
fits of jealousy. And in the end, isn't that what we all want? For
others to secretly covet our happiness? Obviously we do. It's human
nature. In fact, there should be an award for the best monogamists
among us. "And the Monogrammy goes to…" Wait, hold it right there.
Imma let you finish, but Beyoncé and Jay-Z have one of the best
monogamous relationships of all time. Of all time! *(That's what
she said.)
"We are much more than the sum of our primate parts, though. We’ve evolved."
Word of the month
Cockumentary (adj.): Used to describe porn in
civilised company in the hope they will confuse it with something
else.
As in, "I saw the most amazing cockumentary on SBS last
night…"
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