“I think you need some help, here let me show you a video.”

“I did have one girl say “ignorance is a book” right after. I’m still mulling that one over..?”

“Phone rings: “I should answer that…hey mum!””

“One guy my friend slept with made her look him in the eye the whole time and got pretty angry at her if she broke his gaze!”

“I happen to be passing a sex shop and I got you this butt toy.”

“Um, wrong hole.”

“A friend slept with a guy who kept say “Am I right? Tell me I’m right”. So naturally she’d say “You’re right” (because that’s what you do if someone has already hidden their sausage in you), but wondered the whole time what the hell he was so “right” about.”

“My guy friend had a girl say “oh, the last guy I was with was black.”

“Can I piss on you?” Afterwards, “Am I a bad root?”

“A girl I know used to sleep with a guy who, close to climax, would yell at her “Call me a wizard!”

A friend of mine had really bad sex with a mate. Afterwards he said: “You look happy” and she laughed and said: “I can’t wait to tell Sarah how bad this was.”

I hooked up with a guy once and afterwards we were just lying there and he started humming the wedding tune. You know… dum-dum da-dum… My eyes went so big and he looked at me and was like “Holy shit! Why did I do that?!”

“I happen to be passing a sex shop and I got you this butt toy.”

“My friend once told a guy, she couldn’t sleep with him because she had her period. He was like “Nah, it’s fine, let’s do it”. It was going to be the first time they ever slept together.”

“You look like you’re having a terrible time.”

“I had a guy who would always point at his dick, put on a baby tone and say “what’s that?” Like, seriously shouldn’t you know? He wanted me to explain sex like he was a kid, which screams of all kinds of issues.”

“We’re fucking, we’re not making love”

“I dated a girl who wanted me to do all kinds of bad shit to her. I really couldn’t handle it. One time she tried to initiate things and I started crying. I had to dump her.”

“Do you think you could not roll your eyes right after I cum?”

“I had a girl who would say “slap my face” during sex.”

“A friend of mine had a girl tell him she wanted to "lick his arsehole" during foreplay.”

“My friend used to sleep with a guy who would recite cricket statistics to avoid cumming. The last thing you need during sex is to hear the words “Shane Warne”.”

Mid-thrust: “I think I want to get back with my ex.”

"I like the way you think, welcome aboard.”