Subscribe and save
Subscribe to Cosmopolitan and get three issues for just $6!Order now >
Some people collect shoes. Other people are gathers of vintage purses, comics or if you are my Uncle Glen: belly button fluff. I however collect sex toys. I own almost every sexual utensil on the market, and know more about adult toys than I do about the basics of living. As a self-professed sexual aid connoisseur I could tell you, with my eyes closed, which toy you need for what, in where and how. I’m like the Martha Stewart of adult appliances, kinda.
So when the opportunity came up recently to visit the Adult Toy Expo in China to test drive the latest in playtime products, I could barely contain my excitement. Finally, a chance to use my expertise! With an extra suitcase purchased ready for the samples, I was beaver eager to explore, experience and report back my latest market findings.
But alas ladies, having returned home tired and slightly chaffed from all the trying, I bring only sad news. It appears the pleasure product market has been hijacked by a bunch of teenage technology nerds who have quit work at the Mac Store and are moonlighting instead, as sex toy inventors. No longer content with simple and effective stimulators, these dudes believe the new wave in erotic equipment is all about outrageously unnecessary functions and capabilities. The era of the Rabbit is over.
And here to take its place are three of the worst...
The video camera vibe
Hands up who thinks showing your lad the insides of your lady bits sounds super sexy. Well, apparently the creators of the Gaga believe ‘inner, inner INNER’ beauty is where it’s at now. A streamline vibrator, the Gaga is the world’s first sex toy with an inbuilt camera, allowing couples to combine vibration with visualization. I’m not even kidding.
Using a USB cord that is connected to both the vibrator and your laptop the Gaga allows your partner hours of uninterrupted probing pleasure while your innermost intimacies are displayed on your computer screen. Gross.
The electric shock Vibrator
Two words that should never be put before the word vibrator are “electric” and “shock”. Yet, the maker of this woman hating wand (a man, obviously!) believes his latest invention will redefine pleasure with help from a little bit of secret “spice”. And by “spice” he means electric pulses that zap the clitoris.
It took a lot of convincing for me to agree to road-test this one, in fact for two days this guy chased me around the expo trying to taser me with his vibrator whilst assuring me I was going to love it. In the end I relented and gave it a go. My vagina is still not speaking to me.
The voice control massager
In theory the concept of voice activated vibrators isn’t so bad. Button pushing is so 2012 and any excuse not to exert unnecessary energy is particularly welcome after a hard day at work. However, I found that in practice it just doesn’t work. Because these massagers are fairly new on the market there are a few design flaws that need a little ironing.
The most obvious being that in order for the vocal recognition thingo to work you actually have to shout your commands, and loud! It was weird enough for me alone in my hotel room yelling “ON! ON! FASTER AHHHH!! SLOWWW DOWN, SLOWER, SLOW! STOP!!” But to imagine using this vibrator anywhere within ear shot of civilians such as your share house or your parentals holiday home is just too weird. No-one wants to be the girl who talks to her sex toys. No-one.
How to avoid morning after shopping regret.
Here's three videos that will defo get you there...
How to get our male hair crush's awesome ombre locks.
@cosmobride #realweddingannual #onsale #NOW! #cosmobride #wedding #love
A big thanks to @picturepostie @sweatybettypr for the fashion week memories! It was a blur so it's nice to have a permanent keepsake
SO. MUCH. CHOCOLATE. All of the thanks to the delicious @maxbrenner_chocolate_bar and @magnumpr_. Easter weekend starts right now. X
Fash director @nicoleadolphe at the new @fshnbnkr store #adelaide with designers @keepsakethelabel @cameo_the_label @finderskeepersthelabel @thefifthlabel
Spoilt for choice with the arrival of the new @sallyhansenau Triple Shine collection! For more beauty updates follow @cosmobeautyau
HOORAY!! The @cosmobride special Real Weddings Annual is onsale NOW!!! Press play to see the cover revealed! #COSMOBRIDE #realweddingannual #lotsofweddings #andlove #flowers #weddingmagazine #fun #diy #advice #awesomeness
Actually, it's only one more night 'til the special new Real Wedding Annual issue of @cosmobride hits stands!! #COSMOBRIDE #soexcited #realweddingannual #somuchlove #bride #bigday #weddingmagazine
Bright bold prints from @ausifw #indigenousfashionweek to conclude our fashion week coverage
Our pick from @ausifw @sam_harris wearing #gracelillianlee with @nicolelucasstylist & @nicoleadolphe
Fash director @nicoleadolphe and jnr fash editor @nicolelucasstylist front row at @ausifw #australianindigenousfashionweek
And that’s that – all done! We told you it’d only take a minute. Now, go. Enjoy!
Make it pretty, add a profile picture...
It looks like you are already a member of one of our other great sites (Womens Fitness, Australian Beauty Awards, Mother & Baby Awards, Cleo, Australian Beauty Awards 2012, TechLife, Cougar Portal, Cleo NZ, Empire, Shop Til You Drop, 30 Days of Fashion and Beauty 2012, Health and Wellbeing Weekend, Elle, Home, Food and Wine). You can log in to Cosmo with your existing account – just type in your email and password. Forgotten your password? No worries, we can send it to you.
Get the latest news straight to your inbox by signing up to our newsletter!