Sex

Sex or cold hard cashola…

Can you guess which one science has proven makes you happier?

Pop quiz, y’all! Which would you rather have: $50,000 cash or one night with Channing Tatum? It’s a hard one (that’s what she said), but take a second to answer this magnificent pickle.

Decided? I imagine most of you said the money. After all, that’s a lot of clams; clams you can put towards stuff like shoes and eyelash extensions and vacations to Hollywood, where you can stalk Channing Tatum.

But according to a bunch of university nerdlingers, you’ve made the wrong call. They think you should get it on with C. Tatty. Because, according to “happiness economics” researchers, sex would actually make you happier than the cash. Sexy times are so much higher on the happiness index, in fact, that they estimate increasing your sex intake from once a month to once a week is equivalent to the amount of happiness generated by an additional $50,000 of income.

Say what? Yes, I know. Let’s just take a second to appreciate that, shall we… A regular weekly shag can make you feel as outstanding as getting 50 grand in the hand. If we break it down even further, that’s a cool $961.54 per act of coitus. So that means a big O is worth almost a thousand buckeroos. And you thought tertiary research was all test tubes and beakers!

Considering sex is a biological (and thoroughly enjoyable) necessity, while money is merely a flimsy human construct, it does make sense when you think about it. Basically we’re all just animals after a good time. I’ve always suspected as much

Money still induces high spirits of course, just not as much as you may suppose. And despite commonly held opinion, having more money doesn’t mean you’ll get more sex. That’s right, Richard Branson probably isn’t getting laid as much as you think. In fact, income level and frequency of sexual relations appear to have no correlation. Interestingly though, the more educated you are, the happier you’ll feel when you’re getting some spank in your bank. Why universities don’t include that in their prospectus pamphlets I don’t know.

On the flip side, this study also shows depressed people get less action. Whether they’re depressed because of a dry spell, or in a dry spell because they’re depressed, isn’t clear, but why risk it? If you’ve had a nasty day, light some candles, pour some wine and get your sexy on. Quickly now, before you lose $961.54 worth of happy! Putting a price on your contentment might seem crass, but it’s a good reminder that the best things in life are free. So if you’re not rich in dollars but you are rich in hollers, you’re doing alllllright.

Words by Emma Markezic