Let's talk about sex, baby

Our resident guy guru Ky Henderson tackles your most intimate bedroom worries...

Sex question and answer

Q: **Whenever my boyfriend finishes first in bed he immediately relaxes and acts like both of us are done. How can I show him (without killing his mood) that after he climaxes, I’ve still got a way to go?**

A: The problem here is that *your* mood is being killed, not his. That said, you’ll have much better luck getting what you need if you act before he climaxes – as you may have noticed, most guys are pretty useless afterwards. If you think that he’s approaching the point of no return before you’re done, tell him you want to switch positions: it’s what guys often do to avoid finishing too early. Then be vocal about what you want – guys appreciate guidance when it comes to taking care of you in a sexy way. Once he is hitting the right places, say things like “Don’t stop!” After a while, getting you off first will be second nature to him. **Q:** **My boyfriend wants me to share my sexual fantasies, but whenever I try, I get shy and clam up. Any suggestions?

A:  First, try to figure out what it is that’s making you nervous. Are you afraid he’ll think you’d actually want to play out your wildest fantasies in real life? If that’s it, imagine a scenario that would be next to impossible to carry out in reality, like endless hours of oral on a desert island. If it’s that you just can’t come up with anything, think of a hot scene from a movie and describe that instead. Fantasies are all about letting go and having fun, and losing any hang-ups is part of that. Besides, pretty much any fantasy you have is going to turn him on – so you really have nothing to worry about. **Q:  I find that after drinking, it’s trickier for me to reach orgasm. What’s going on?

A: Alcohol does lower inhibitions, but the sexual trade-off is that it makes it harder to get turned on. Alcohol is a depressant: it slows your breathing, heart rate, and blood flow, all of which need to *quicken* in order for you to feel turned on. When blood isn’t able to rush to the nerve endings in your clitoris, you may end up feeling a little numb no matter what you try. If you want to drink without the negative side effects, set yourself a limit of just one or two. **Q: I found a jar of “organic” sex lube in the fridge at a juice bar. The label says it’s pure coconut oil! Is it safe to use?**

A: Oil-based lubes like this are long-lasting and easy to find – and a tropical scent can put you into a relaxed, holiday mood! Be warned, though, that they can’t be used with latex condoms or diaphragms (because the oil breaks down latex, making them ineffective). And while oil-based lubes are great for manual stimulation, don’t use them internally as they can cause infection. **Q: I know every single guy loves hearing how huge his penis is, but my guy just isn’t that big. Should I lie to make him feel good?

A: Do *not* lie about the size of a man’s penis. If you know it’s on the smaller side, you can bet he does too. So saying it’s big will only draw attention to the fact it isn’t. Double awks, don’t go there. Instead, focus on his awesome performance. Moan when he enters you. Tell him how good he feels inside you. Grab it when you’re making out. All good.   **Q: Sometimes my boyfriend gets so intent on making me climax with oral that after a while it just starts to hurt. How can I let him know when it’s just not going to happen?

A: If he’s made it his mission to bring you to climax, there’s no good way to let him know that he and his soldier have failed. Luckily, there’s one thing that usually distracts an excited guy from your potential orgasm: *his* potential orgasm. If he’s been going down on you for longer than is comfortable, grab his hair, pull him up, and tell him you want to feel him inside you right now. Or, if he’s already thrusting, whisper that you want him to come – I promise, he will honour your request. Lastly, if it’s taking you so long because he doesn’t have his technique right, try some subtle coaching. Tell him you just read about a new move in *Cosmo* that you’re dying to give a try. Show him, then – if it’s working – moan a little louder so he knows.    **Q: I fantasise about being spanked. How should I propose it to my boyfriend?**

A: It’s all about your delivery, and in-the-heat-of-the-moment is preferable. While you’re kissing, say “spank me” in a whisper. If he seems unsure, repeat it, then take his hand and place it on your butt. Or give him a playful but firm swat on his backside – then announce that it’s your turn.