10 tiny things he hopes you don't notice him doing during sex

He's really hoping you didn't hear that weird moan, because if you did, you'd never have sex with him again.

By: Frank Kobola

  1. When he wipes some snot off his nose.** Missionary is a terrible time for his nose to be running. The only thing worse than getting caught rubbing snot onto his arm is having his snot drip onto you. He's going to try and do it while you eyes are closed. If you're one of those people who loves eye-contact during sex, though, well ... get ready to get snot drip-fed to you.

  1. When he tucks some embarrassing mess farther under the bed with his foot**. You know that amazingly weird position he pulled out of nowhere, but he was so enthusiastic about that it actually ended up working? His primary motivation wasn't your pleasure, it was keeping you distracted long enough to sweep some dust bunnies under his bed that he spotted mid-coitus. I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you this.

  1. When he glances at the clock.** It happens, and rest assured that checking the time is a force of habit, it has no bearing on you or your performance. If anything, he's making sure he's stayed in it long enough to stop thinking about baseball and finally let himself orgasm.

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  1. When he holds in a fart.** There's no other way to say it. Unless you are someone who is highly vocal in bed, there aren't many times he can really get away with letting one out, unless he starts screaming too. But that's much less acceptable.

  1. When he zones out momentarily. **You can zone out anywhere at any time. Hopefully you were too deeply embedded in the throes of passion to realise his eyes glossed over for a second while he daydreamed.

  1. When he checks his phone. **It's not like he'll pick it up to check Snapchat while you're going at it, but maybe he got an alert and curiosity got the better of him. Maybe he can't focus on sex because he's worried his mum texted him horrible news about Grandpa. Or maybe he's just nervous he's going to miss out on an amazing waiver wire pickup.

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  1. When he sweats profusely. **Everyone sweats during sex (if you don't, you're probably doing it wrong). But if he sweats a lot ... like, "looks like he just jumped in a pool" a lot ... then he's really just hoping you sweat a ton too.

  1. When he checks himself out in the mirror. *The only reason this gets a bad rap is because this happens in American Psycho immediately before the chainsaw double-murder. I guess also because it's douchey.

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  1. When he fucks up putting on the condom. **Don't worry, he's going to put on another, but snapping one of these around his member hurts and makes him look like an amateur. If his ego can recover from this, it's worth sticking around.

  1. When some kind of weird moan noise escapes his mouth. **He's in the middle of amazing sex, and all of the sudden he makes a noise like a purring cat crossed with a lawnmower breaking down but it's also sort of a high-pitched moan ... somehow all at once. It's like a "hughhhhmmmuhhhh...." and he's hoping you didn't hear that, because if you did, you'd never have sex with him again.

  • Author: Frank Kobola